Beyond the Boggled Mind

Ramblings of my boggled mind

Letter to Me…

My dear you think you are an adult, you feel like it anyway.

You have helped for years with your siblings and with the house while mom and dad worked most of your life. You are at a weird age where you feel like nothing is impossible no matter how much your depression gets to you, you try. You are looking at colleges and ready to leave your parents house thinking about where you are going to move because your feet are itching for so much new grounds to walk.

A lot will change in the next 2 years before you graduate and move out. Spend time with your sister for the love of all that is holy spend time with her, take TONS of photos. Spend more time with your brothers, your mom, your dad, go see your great grandmother, see both of your grandmothers as much as possible and stop rolling your eyes at people who are older who are trying to teach you lessons of life. You do not know everything!

You are going to date several people who are going to drive you wild that you can’t get enough of. I’m telling you now, find the geek the nerd the one who knows who you are inside that you hide from everyone. Be yourself no matter how hard it is because when you get older you are still going to be hiding so much of yourself over fear.

You are going to date and meet people who are going to tear you down, hurt you constantly, walk away and don’t let them stop you. It’s a waste of your time to keep going back to the same hurt the same stale pond with no moving water or life. It’s and endless cycle you won’t realize till it’s too late.

You are going to meet someone who will be able to stand with in your heart and feel all the flames and bask in the glow of it. You are going to ignore all your feelings and walk away to “save” yourself, when in reality they will be the perfect person for you. They will be your best friend for years and years before finally realizing this is your soul mate.

You are going to waste a lot of time and finally find what your purpose is on this earth. People are going to try and stop you, diminish you’re light. Keep going… Keep going…

Dear lady,

you’ve gotten through many years you are in your  late 20s- early 30s and giving up, life has kicked you over and over again and you are giving up on dreams… but you will make it you can keep going… you have all the reasons to be depressed, you have reasons not to feel well but  I know you got this, you will have someone very soon that will heal your wounds and take care of you and you will care for them in ways they and yourself never thought you could. keep going… keep going…

Dear Me,

Things are going slow, things are changing around you some for the better some for worse, you are happy … keep going… keep going…

Dear future me,

See isn’t it worth it? Things changed things are better, wasted time sucked but you are exactly where you are suppose to be. You are happy, you can do this, you can handle anything, look at all you have made it through. Keep going!

~just me

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PrintOkay so I’m a little late but better late than never right?

Thanksgiving 2015 has come and gone, and tailing close is Christmas, at least for me anyway, some have Christmas following behind Halloween and skipping completely over Thanksgiving. I like Thanksgiving much more than Christmas honestly.  But I will stop complaining, I want to celebrate with a thankful heart the blessings of Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving is my 2nd perhaps 3rd favorite holiday.  The reasons for this are simple.  Families  come together all over the US and people think about what they are thankful for. I love seeing the 30 days of thankfulness on FB and things I know it’s odd and yes we should be thankful for more than this one month and I’m sure we are, at least I am. But this is the time of year people are vocal about it. Yes I do know the first thanksgiving was not all food and peace I fully am aware of our history in the US not just about what we were brainwashed to think in elementary school. I’m thinking about today, this past month, what it is to us today.
I miss my family a lot during the holidays even if I found it annoying sometimes to just sit and eat and do the same things we always do every year. I guess you don’t appreciate things till they aren’t there and they aren’t done. I had a good time with my love and his family, this is I believe the 3rd year? or 2nd? Horrible I should be able to remember this stuff.
I remember as a kid going to my (moms side) grandma’s for the holidays and family coming together in Ky from In, and more north to visit each other.  It is always a blessing to me that the family loves to be together so much that they travel the distance, putting up with the before and after traffic, and cook together for days to feed the crowd.  For the Thanksgiving meal is only one meal of several that must be prepared, for we are feeding the crowd ,which is likely only 20 to 30 maybe more depending on who can come and how long each would stay.
I also remember holidays with my (dads side) other grandma most only traveled a few miles to be there. But still would come. always the parade then football and movies, food, then for the most part the last few years I was there poker and other money games.
Both sides we would laugh and tell stories of the past. This year I’m sure it was much different in both sides. I guess more than this year, I remember seeing my great-grandmother as well she always had chicken and dumplings for us. This was always before or after Thanksgiving when we went.
When we go to Thanksgiving with my loves parents, its a very small gathering that I’m honestly not that use to. It’s his parents, his brothers and us. His brothers are younger still ( college age) and have no kids, we don’t have kids, no other family comes. It’s strange to me it shouldn’t be but it is.
It makes me wonder if I would talk about the number of people at thanksgivings when I was younger if they would be amazed and be all in wonder. I don’t talk much while there. I enjoy hearing their stories, and it’s almost the same ones each time. They are the best ones. I remember a lot of stories I grew up hearing over and over again.
 Tales of Thanksgivings past, including the adult children telling the younger children how they advanced from a pallet on the floor to a bed, and moving from the children’s table to the adult table. All of the memories that are shared and created year to year, make all of the effort more than worth it.
I am so thankful for my family each side, blood or not, everyone of them, and the love we all have for each other even if we don’t agree.  We, like all families, have had some times when there was conflict, usually over unimportant things, but we hung in there as a family and weathered those times, and we are so much stronger as a family because of that.  I am thankful that we had the commitment to be together this one time a year, and think that such was a big to do with keeping my family strong.
We have already came to points where my grandmothers ( all 3 over the years) have passed on, There is no longer the same Thanksgiving I grew up having.  There has been a time where aunts and uncles took the torch and it’s slowly coming a time when some are no longer with us, or can no longer do the cooking and shopping and cleaning. The holidays have changed and I try and cling to what little I remember. I’m glad to see the daughters and sons, nieces and nephews have picked up the torch and is carrying on most of the traditions.
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Good news!

Yay we got the place we will be moving soon!

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Been a long time

So it’s been a while since I have blogged anything, at least on this blog.

We are moving and a lot of things are changing. I’m looking more and more to the future of things personally, and professionally. I know we will end up losing some people in our life, it hurts to think about but honestly it’s time to be ourself and be able to be happy with us and our life. I’m ready for the future to start and being able to live in the house we are trying to rent. It’s fairly nice and it’s in a quite neighbor hood from what I can tell.

It has a big back yard and the people who own it have no issues with us painting and doing anything in the house I’m sure because we aren’t wanting to do anything major that would kill their house but small things because we do plan to live in this house 3-5 years till we can get the money saved up and visit a couple times then move and find us a place to own where we are planning to live as long as we like it after the visits to there.

I’m looking forward to all of this and it’s all on my mind as well as classes and school and wanting to be done with it all and have my career going finally and helping people with things.

I’m just so ready, I wish I had more time to do things, I want to take photos and be able to enjoy crafting. It’s just hard with all the time we have with work and school we have very little to do outside of that. My co-worker I will just say M doesn’t understand that when I say that I can take over these days because I don’t have classes does NOT mean I will take over her fucking shifts just so she can go fucking fishing. I’m sorry I have a fucking life too and that is why I work part time. This will be the first time I have actual time off, since I wont be going to winter classes, since I started college again. I should have just shut up and I might end up telling her yes I’m taking winter courses just to shut her down on when she is all about wanting me to take over for some of her work times. Like she only works the weekend, I don’t want to give up my weekends with chris because that is about all the time we get together.

I don’t know M just frustrates the living shit out of me. She is so beyond annoying. Like I don’t understand why she even fucking works most of the time she is trying to get out of it and she only works 3 days a week. Come on she works 3 days and its days all together so the other 4 is like one big break. I mean give me a break here. I work 3 days but I go to classes 2, then on top of that I have classes that I take online wanting me to come in and do tests and other shit like that. I have 2 days a week I can spend with chris and sometimes depending on how his schedule works out we might just have sundays.


I think that’s it I just needed to bitch a little.


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School and other things

So first week of my new classes down. I’m not as nervous I guess, but still it’s a lot to do plus work. I don’t know how I did it before. However I didn’t make grades like I do now. I actually try and study and do well. I was lazy last time I went to college I just thought hey high school all over again, no it’s not. It’s not the same. yes I did get my degree but honestly I don’t know how I did. This time I’m trying hard I want to make good grades I want to learn and be able to take this and do more with it than I did with my other degree. I worry I will fall on my face once out of college. I’m doing a lot this go around as well in the end I want to have my bachelors in physiology and working with that and still going for my masters. I want to be able to help people and enjoy it. I’m learning there is so much more than being a therapist when it comes to this degree. I’m excited and thinking more maybe I can do other things not just therapy.

We have been looking at moving still and it’s just more stress honestly. The house we were wanting to rent, the lady is I don’t know if she is ignoring us, or just flaking out. It’s annoying as all hell. Chris is finished with classes for his new job, and going on to working with a mentor for a couple weeks. He is so stressed out over it but I know he will do great with it all.

I don’t know where I was going here, I stepped away because of work stuff and now I’ve lost my train of thought it has been completely derailed.


yeah I don’t know I don’t have anything but work atm on my mind. Maybe I’ll post another blog later.



I have a lot on my mind today well more than today just seems today the thoughts are more so. Most I can’t really talk about here, even if no one really reads this blog. Mostly my mind is on the future. We talk about moving and I get excited about moving, but its not about this move coming up. Yes I am excited to move in to a house and out of this apartment and away from the people here in office and out. But we talk about moving to Alaska and we have been for about a year now. We are not just going to run and go we have too much that keeps us here right now. Mainly school our classes we need to graduate and get in to better jobs that can move with us. Now Mind you Chris got a new job and it will do very well by him and possible to move in to a job there in Alaska but right now this is a 5 year plan. after graduating and getting our butts in to careers and some experience under our belts then go there in hopes for nice careers there, maybe even open up our own business. I’ve decided to go farther than what I had originally planned. I want to be a therapist, not a physical one but mental one. I want to help people and families mainly when it comes to transgender people and families who have problems and need someone to talk to and understand things. Yes I want to help more than that but this is a big issue to me.

My current class I am making a B and will pass the class this makes me happy. I have one more paper to get back I should get it tomorrow then I have one more paper to write. I hope I am doing better I hope this paper he is grading is something that is blowing him away. I don’t know and I’m not sure still what paper I want to rewrite yet. It’s hard because two are really important to me the others I know I wont be doing.

I hope the house we have our minds set on will come threw for us. We can save so much money and it will give us room. So much more room than we have right now. I have to look in to getting totes for the move. I think in the long run totes will be better for us and we could maybe start making things that we have thought bout doing, esp splay and outfits.

I feel bad about things a little though Chris supports me in everything, buys me an expensive camera, a sewing machine and here I am not using either really as much as I want to. I feel like I am wasting our money on things, things I want to do things and make money with. I want to look in to making candles and bath bombs and things like that. I get excited about doing this stuff then look at the things I have and think what if I don’t get to make money from it or what if this or that happens. Maybe even make jewelry and other things and etching things. I want us to do this together just I have doubts about it as well.

I want us to get more things to excessive with but I barely use what we have, and Chris don’t use it as much either. I think mainly because we don’t have the room really. We will see. I just needed to kind of get some things out of my head.

Well off to pay attention to the movie that Chris started. *sighs* so much more thoughts.

I love you baby doll

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Finally moving forward.

So we are finally able to set some things down from them just up in the air floating and not knowing what is going on.

One: Chris’ new job/career. He is leaving IBC ( thank the gods and goddess’) He won’t be in a dead in job that just is slowly killing him from the inside out. I hope the new job at Capital One will be better for him. It is much better pay, and better benefits. I know there will be stress all jobs have it. I hope this change will help him feel better I hope he will get his positivity and wanting to work and enjoying this work space and the co-workers. I could say a lot of things about IBC right now but I would like to focus on the positive. I am thankful for this job coming our way. I knew he would get it even after the stroke of bad luck that hit but things are getting better and looking more bright for us.

B: We are looking to move, we have been looking to move. We have a very nicely priced place we have been wanting for a bit now, and the lady is someone Chris’ knows pretty well and it’s a nice place from what I understand. We still have to look at it. She will be having the current tenant leaving because he just isn’t paying the rent on time and if at all and really is putting her in a bind. She works and has been working with this person and I honestly think he is just taking advantage of her now. He never pays on time and when I say late we are talking weeks/month till he pays. It’s just not right. It isn’t the perfect house but it will be bigger than what we have and much much cheaper so it’s nice to think about.

The next: My college courses are still looking good I am working hard trying to keep my current B in the class. I’m kind of worried about my next semester because I have a class that is not online and also we dissect animals in it. I have done it before but it is not something I want to do. I hate that I have to and Chris doesn’t want me to talk about it but I know if I don’t I will end up depressed and crying over the poor little mutilated bodies. I’m not going to be a Doctor like that, I want to be a therapist to help people mentally not cut in to people. ugh. just ugh.

So Things are getting better and better. Hopefully we can keep on this track and save a good amount of money for our future plans.

We are hoping to visit my family soon. I miss my parents and brothers. I do want to see my friends and maybe a few other family members. I know I will have to put up with some so I can see others and I will deal with that. I know nothing that should be talked about will be, I know everyone will just “be happy” to see me and this and that and blah blah blah… it’s like I am tolerated in my own family sometimes. I don’t want to be I don’t care at this point. Yes I will always love my family yes I will help anyone if I can. But I don’t want them in my personal life as if they belong there. I know soon they will walk away and at this point I’m good with that because I don’t want negativity around me, Chris or our life if I can stop it. I’ve always been the black sheep and other’s claim to be but honestly they are just as much sheeple as the rest of the family.

I’m glad I grew up with who I have, and have my parents and siblings. I’m glad I wasn’t sheltered like some kids are. yes I was somewhat but not like chris was, not like some of my family members who constantly get in shit only to be bailed out by others. While no matter what my struggles I end up having to sit down and figure shit out myself. I have recently asked for help and I did get a bit of help. I will be using that money when I can “pay it back” to actually pay it forward to another person/s who needs help. Or even to a good cause. I thought about paying it back to the people who donated to me. But it would in the end either cost more than what was given or they would end up getting less of it back. I hate the thought of that. Unless I wrote checks and sent it to their home was the only way I could see them getting it all back. Even the donations I receved money was took out about 35.00 of it. That’s what happens when you use another company to transfer money and this and that. I’m not saying it’s not justified but 35.00 out of 260.00 is quite a bit honestly esp when the person in need really could use that money. But anyway I think I’m going to stop writing for now.

I am wanting to say so much more right now but I can’t not yet.


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I keep hurting myself I guess basically because I haven’t been paying attention to things and My mind has been in other places lately. Most recent I bashed my toe on the desk and I’m sure will bruise in time. let’s see I broke the bed with my fat ass and tempted to fix it by myself and smashed and cut my finger pretty deep, and I cut myself two separate times with a knife and hummm the side cut on a finger I’m not remembering how I did it, but that is the one that started this. All this has been 2 weeks give or take.

Blarg! Anyway…

My love has been having a rough bit because of his job, it is so stressful to him and they are shitty to him. Serious who talks about giving you a position and using you just so you are doing the work while the real person they plan to put in that position gets ready basically to move in to the branch and take the spot from you. ugh that just infuriates me to no end.

I’m hoping other jobs that he has applied for and is trying for will pan out. One is very nice to think about because they want him for it and there are 2 openings, not till July though. But it’s still great to think about and I really hope they are serious because it seems so. Also another he finished up with a cam interview with might be nice as well.

We are wanting to get away from Baytown really, It’s not a have to thing just we would like it I think. We are looking for a house or something to rent within our means, and this may change if there is a job change before October. Yes we have about 5 months till we move but we are looking, originally we thought about renting then went to buying but we are back to looking for a rental. Its not we cannot afford to buy, its our credit and stuff and also the down payment we don’t have it. So maybe rent and save to buy a place.

I’m trying to think what to make and since its kinda rainy and stuff out maybe Ill pull out left over potato soup and the left over ham and maybe put more stuff in it. I see one that has corn in it, I don’t know if that would be good or not or just keep with ham and potato soup. We will see.

I enjoy cooking for chris, he appreciates it. I love when his coworkers are all jealous over his lunch. It makes me feel kinda good. I know that is silly but it’s nice. I like to see others jealous because of things I do or how I treat him. I try my best to be a good girlfriend to him. I like taking care of him and when others notice I hope that they see this is how it should be. Both people taking care of each other, respecting each other and loving each other.

I’m looking forward to Comicpalooza, a little sad after finding out there is a bigger one around that more celebs go to, I figure we will check it out next year and maybe go to it if it has everyone we want in both or more in the other. We will be getting Summer glau’s autograph and Stan Lee and some others as well. I’m really happy about that and I look forward to it. I enjoy seeing everyone dressed up and I plan to take photos as well. I want to get another battery so I can have a back up because it does go quickly. More so than I thought it would. I figure if I use up one I can have the back up. I have one big card and a couple small back ups. I still need a better care someday, this one is tons better than my two back ups.

Looks like it is finally raining, I’ve been waiting for it for over a week. Last week we was to have rain all week, it never showed and now it was saying we have rain all this week and maybe it is true. I just hope its nice comicon weekend.

Well I think that is all for now. I just wanted to get somethings out of my head, yes its jumbled but its there. OHHH!

Since I broke the bed, I weighed myself and I’m gaining all my weight back. I need to eat better and start walking on our tread mill, maybe I can do that today. I want to try and get more veggies for me to eat, I was doing that before and stopped because so much of it went bad before I could eat it. I will try again and try and keep from doing fast food I need to get in the swing of things.

Between stress and getting depressed, school, work and everything I’ve let the house get more and more dirty esp little miss Jaeden’s mess. I need to clean up more and get back in to doing everything. I just hope I don’t get knocked down again. I want to do more and feel better but some days I just don’t want to move. ok ok I think that is it now.

I love you Chris

♥ Raychel


D&D Weekend

So we left out friday after chris got off work. It was kind of a long ride, we already knew this, But after working and everything it seemed like a much longer ride than I thought it would be. We got out to where it was very wooded country road and it started making me think of indiana and austin and jennings county. I’ve lived here and cali for so long it was like wow they have this kind of area out here!?!? lol yes I know strange but very real. We started getting to dirt road to pull in to and things and when going back in the country areas and then this first thing in my mind was OMG no one will hear our screams. Every horror movie and story was now flashing threw my head. Mind you yes we met these people before, yes we had been talking to them but essentually they where still strangers, and in my head I’m like oh jesus…. we didn’t let anyone know where exactly we was going, we didnt let anyone know names or anything about these people.

I did talk to my mom she knew chris and I was going to some new friends house and staying out there and playing games, D&D and just hanging out and getting away. This was going to happen a few months from now but we kind of rushed it. They are a nice couple, they have 3 cats and both work, no kids. Only real issue I had was one smokes but I’m in her home and I won’t be that type who complains, So I kept allergy meds in me the whole time to help with it. It helped a little but not fully. Their bathroom smelled and I think it was a mix of issues. I know that is weird but other than that everything seemed fine. Our humor is different than theirs, but we all get the jokes just not all laugh out loud moments.

We played cards against humanity and that is for the most part a great game. So funny some of it. I wasn’t too in to how much they where in to videos and web sites (youtube, and SL). Learning D&D was a little much at some points because I picked druid as my caracter and I didn’t know that there where so many books and things I had to go threw for just that one thing. So my next caracter probably wont be drud. I’m not too fond of her being a gnome but that race was more like I am. next time I think I will fully go with a pixie not sure what class. I don’t want my caracter to die but I figure at somepoint it will.

I think that is all for right now, My imagination got away with it’s self at first but that’s who I am. Love you chris and hope you had a good time this weekend.



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D&D, HMNS, and New people…


^ fave photo from the butterfly garden ^

Things are changing, it’s getting hot and sometimes I don’t want to leave the apartment but we are doing much more than normal, we have the weekends off together lately because I normally have them off as long as we have all the employees needed here. We are making plans left and right and it’s exciting but also kind of scary. I know chris isn’t liking his job right now it’s really stressing him out to the point of physical sickness. It sucks on that part, they don’t pay that well either so he is planning to look for a new job I really hope something better comes for us. He really needs it.

We are looking for a new place to rent as well, I wish we could buy but that isn’t in the cards at this point in time. But, we are going to look while we rent. We hope to find a house to rent we are both over this apartment and the new people who are moving in. they are doing a lot of renevating as well, that is annoying somedays but not all the time anymore because they have been doing more in other places and not right next door like they where. Unfortunatly our new neighbors have brought in more than humans and loud ugly dogs, they are nasty and have brung bugs to the complex as well. I really can’t stand that but at the moment I figure no one will do anything here and they will blame us because our apartment isnt spotless so after my classes are over with for a few weeks I’m going to bust my ass cleaning everything from top to bottom then let them know about the bugs and the nasty asses down stairs.

On good notes we went this last weekend well, it was going to be the zoo but it was just too much all the parking around close was took and where we had to park was 20.00 unless you where going to the museum so we parked got to the doors to go out or go in the museum and was like why not… and went in. I really enjoyed it I loved the butterfly garden the most I think. I took a lot of photos in there and also in other areas. I had a blast and I can’t wait to go again because we got a membership to it so we can go enjoy it anytime we like.

We found a group of people who where looking for more D&D players for their group. So we met them the weekend before last it seemed alright, my anxiety and nerves kind of got to me and I was rather quiet, we have been talking to them via text to get to know them better and them us, since it will be held in their home. It is going to be a weekend thing every month just once a weekend I believe. I’m excited about it and it will be going on friday evening, saterday and sunday morning we will be taking off. Right now I’m at work and working on our Books for the game. Yes we are strange I guess, we want the books but we have printed off the books as well and I am currently laminating them so we can use them at the game and not worry about smoke, spills, or food getting all over it and messing the pages up. We have yet to get our dice and a few other things. OH! I got chris a DND bag for now till I make the ones I’m wanting to. It’s a very good one black leather with ironman on it.

we have the comicon coming up here in houston as well, We have already bought tickets and reserved our room at a hotel that is close. I can’t wait to meet stan lee! We bought a comic book by stan lee we plan to have signed so another awesome thing, and I would like a signed photo and us to get a photo together with him. We are also wanting some other signatures as well, I don’t think I want a photo with anyone else. Unless any of the serenity screw shows or maybe joss if he shows up!

Let’s see OH OH OH renfest is coming up soon I’m very excited about that as well. It wont be till the fall but all these photo oprtunities are very exciting plus doing so much stuff that I’ve just not had time or money to do. I’m able to now when in my past I just couldn’t. I’m very happy with my life the most happy I believe I have ever been.

I love you chris

always & forever

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