Beyond the Boggled Mind

Ramblings of my boggled mind

School and other things

So first week of my new classes down. I’m not as nervous I guess, but still it’s a lot to do plus work. I don’t know how I did it before. However I didn’t make grades like I do now. I actually try and study and do well. I was lazy last time I went to college I just thought hey high school all over again, no it’s not. It’s not the same. yes I did get my degree but honestly I don’t know how I did. This time I’m trying hard I want to make good grades I want to learn and be able to take this and do more with it than I did with my other degree. I worry I will fall on my face once out of college. I’m doing a lot this go around as well in the end I want to have my bachelors in physiology and working with that and still going for my masters. I want to be able to help people and enjoy it. I’m learning there is so much more than being a therapist when it comes to this degree. I’m excited and thinking more maybe I can do other things not just therapy.

We have been looking at moving still and it’s just more stress honestly. The house we were wanting to rent, the lady is I don’t know if she is ignoring us, or just flaking out. It’s annoying as all hell. Chris is finished with classes for his new job, and going on to working with a mentor for a couple weeks. He is so stressed out over it but I know he will do great with it all.

I don’t know where I was going here, I stepped away because of work stuff and now I’ve lost my train of thought it has been completely derailed.

*thinks……..

yeah I don’t know I don’t have anything but work atm on my mind. Maybe I’ll post another blog later.

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Thoughts

I have a lot on my mind today well more than today just seems today the thoughts are more so. Most I can’t really talk about here, even if no one really reads this blog. Mostly my mind is on the future. We talk about moving and I get excited about moving, but its not about this move coming up. Yes I am excited to move in to a house and out of this apartment and away from the people here in office and out. But we talk about moving to Alaska and we have been for about a year now. We are not just going to run and go we have too much that keeps us here right now. Mainly school our classes we need to graduate and get in to better jobs that can move with us. Now Mind you Chris got a new job and it will do very well by him and possible to move in to a job there in Alaska but right now this is a 5 year plan. after graduating and getting our butts in to careers and some experience under our belts then go there in hopes for nice careers there, maybe even open up our own business. I’ve decided to go farther than what I had originally planned. I want to be a therapist, not a physical one but mental one. I want to help people and families mainly when it comes to transgender people and families who have problems and need someone to talk to and understand things. Yes I want to help more than that but this is a big issue to me.

My current class I am making a B and will pass the class this makes me happy. I have one more paper to get back I should get it tomorrow then I have one more paper to write. I hope I am doing better I hope this paper he is grading is something that is blowing him away. I don’t know and I’m not sure still what paper I want to rewrite yet. It’s hard because two are really important to me the others I know I wont be doing.

I hope the house we have our minds set on will come threw for us. We can save so much money and it will give us room. So much more room than we have right now. I have to look in to getting totes for the move. I think in the long run totes will be better for us and we could maybe start making things that we have thought bout doing, esp splay and outfits.

I feel bad about things a little though Chris supports me in everything, buys me an expensive camera, a sewing machine and here I am not using either really as much as I want to. I feel like I am wasting our money on things, things I want to do things and make money with. I want to look in to making candles and bath bombs and things like that. I get excited about doing this stuff then look at the things I have and think what if I don’t get to make money from it or what if this or that happens. Maybe even make jewelry and other things and etching things. I want us to do this together just I have doubts about it as well.

I want us to get more things to excessive with but I barely use what we have, and Chris don’t use it as much either. I think mainly because we don’t have the room really. We will see. I just needed to kind of get some things out of my head.

Well off to pay attention to the movie that Chris started. *sighs* so much more thoughts.

I love you baby doll

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Finally moving forward.

So we are finally able to set some things down from them just up in the air floating and not knowing what is going on.

One: Chris’ new job/career. He is leaving IBC ( thank the gods and goddess’) He won’t be in a dead in job that just is slowly killing him from the inside out. I hope the new job at Capital One will be better for him. It is much better pay, and better benefits. I know there will be stress all jobs have it. I hope this change will help him feel better I hope he will get his positivity and wanting to work and enjoying this work space and the co-workers. I could say a lot of things about IBC right now but I would like to focus on the positive. I am thankful for this job coming our way. I knew he would get it even after the stroke of bad luck that hit but things are getting better and looking more bright for us.

B: We are looking to move, we have been looking to move. We have a very nicely priced place we have been wanting for a bit now, and the lady is someone Chris’ knows pretty well and it’s a nice place from what I understand. We still have to look at it. She will be having the current tenant leaving because he just isn’t paying the rent on time and if at all and really is putting her in a bind. She works and has been working with this person and I honestly think he is just taking advantage of her now. He never pays on time and when I say late we are talking weeks/month till he pays. It’s just not right. It isn’t the perfect house but it will be bigger than what we have and much much cheaper so it’s nice to think about.

The next: My college courses are still looking good I am working hard trying to keep my current B in the class. I’m kind of worried about my next semester because I have a class that is not online and also we dissect animals in it. I have done it before but it is not something I want to do. I hate that I have to and Chris doesn’t want me to talk about it but I know if I don’t I will end up depressed and crying over the poor little mutilated bodies. I’m not going to be a Doctor like that, I want to be a therapist to help people mentally not cut in to people. ugh. just ugh.

So Things are getting better and better. Hopefully we can keep on this track and save a good amount of money for our future plans.

We are hoping to visit my family soon. I miss my parents and brothers. I do want to see my friends and maybe a few other family members. I know I will have to put up with some so I can see others and I will deal with that. I know nothing that should be talked about will be, I know everyone will just “be happy” to see me and this and that and blah blah blah… it’s like I am tolerated in my own family sometimes. I don’t want to be I don’t care at this point. Yes I will always love my family yes I will help anyone if I can. But I don’t want them in my personal life as if they belong there. I know soon they will walk away and at this point I’m good with that because I don’t want negativity around me, Chris or our life if I can stop it. I’ve always been the black sheep and other’s claim to be but honestly they are just as much sheeple as the rest of the family.

I’m glad I grew up with who I have, and have my parents and siblings. I’m glad I wasn’t sheltered like some kids are. yes I was somewhat but not like chris was, not like some of my family members who constantly get in shit only to be bailed out by others. While no matter what my struggles I end up having to sit down and figure shit out myself. I have recently asked for help and I did get a bit of help. I will be using that money when I can “pay it back” to actually pay it forward to another person/s who needs help. Or even to a good cause. I thought about paying it back to the people who donated to me. But it would in the end either cost more than what was given or they would end up getting less of it back. I hate the thought of that. Unless I wrote checks and sent it to their home was the only way I could see them getting it all back. Even the donations I receved money was took out about 35.00 of it. That’s what happens when you use another company to transfer money and this and that. I’m not saying it’s not justified but 35.00 out of 260.00 is quite a bit honestly esp when the person in need really could use that money. But anyway I think I’m going to stop writing for now.

I am wanting to say so much more right now but I can’t not yet.

~Always
Raychel

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Accidentprone

I keep hurting myself I guess basically because I haven’t been paying attention to things and My mind has been in other places lately. Most recent I bashed my toe on the desk and I’m sure will bruise in time. let’s see I broke the bed with my fat ass and tempted to fix it by myself and smashed and cut my finger pretty deep, and I cut myself two separate times with a knife and hummm the side cut on a finger I’m not remembering how I did it, but that is the one that started this. All this has been 2 weeks give or take.

Blarg! Anyway…

My love has been having a rough bit because of his job, it is so stressful to him and they are shitty to him. Serious who talks about giving you a position and using you just so you are doing the work while the real person they plan to put in that position gets ready basically to move in to the branch and take the spot from you. ugh that just infuriates me to no end.

I’m hoping other jobs that he has applied for and is trying for will pan out. One is very nice to think about because they want him for it and there are 2 openings, not till July though. But it’s still great to think about and I really hope they are serious because it seems so. Also another he finished up with a cam interview with might be nice as well.

We are wanting to get away from Baytown really, It’s not a have to thing just we would like it I think. We are looking for a house or something to rent within our means, and this may change if there is a job change before October. Yes we have about 5 months till we move but we are looking, originally we thought about renting then went to buying but we are back to looking for a rental. Its not we cannot afford to buy, its our credit and stuff and also the down payment we don’t have it. So maybe rent and save to buy a place.

I’m trying to think what to make and since its kinda rainy and stuff out maybe Ill pull out left over potato soup and the left over ham and maybe put more stuff in it. I see one that has corn in it, I don’t know if that would be good or not or just keep with ham and potato soup. We will see.

I enjoy cooking for chris, he appreciates it. I love when his coworkers are all jealous over his lunch. It makes me feel kinda good. I know that is silly but it’s nice. I like to see others jealous because of things I do or how I treat him. I try my best to be a good girlfriend to him. I like taking care of him and when others notice I hope that they see this is how it should be. Both people taking care of each other, respecting each other and loving each other.

I’m looking forward to Comicpalooza, a little sad after finding out there is a bigger one around that more celebs go to, I figure we will check it out next year and maybe go to it if it has everyone we want in both or more in the other. We will be getting Summer glau’s autograph and Stan Lee and some others as well. I’m really happy about that and I look forward to it. I enjoy seeing everyone dressed up and I plan to take photos as well. I want to get another battery so I can have a back up because it does go quickly. More so than I thought it would. I figure if I use up one I can have the back up. I have one big card and a couple small back ups. I still need a better care someday, this one is tons better than my two back ups.

Looks like it is finally raining, I’ve been waiting for it for over a week. Last week we was to have rain all week, it never showed and now it was saying we have rain all this week and maybe it is true. I just hope its nice comicon weekend.

Well I think that is all for now. I just wanted to get somethings out of my head, yes its jumbled but its there. OHHH!

Since I broke the bed, I weighed myself and I’m gaining all my weight back. I need to eat better and start walking on our tread mill, maybe I can do that today. I want to try and get more veggies for me to eat, I was doing that before and stopped because so much of it went bad before I could eat it. I will try again and try and keep from doing fast food I need to get in the swing of things.

Between stress and getting depressed, school, work and everything I’ve let the house get more and more dirty esp little miss Jaeden’s mess. I need to clean up more and get back in to doing everything. I just hope I don’t get knocked down again. I want to do more and feel better but some days I just don’t want to move. ok ok I think that is it now.

I love you Chris

♥ Raychel

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D&D Weekend

So we left out friday after chris got off work. It was kind of a long ride, we already knew this, But after working and everything it seemed like a much longer ride than I thought it would be. We got out to where it was very wooded country road and it started making me think of indiana and austin and jennings county. I’ve lived here and cali for so long it was like wow they have this kind of area out here!?!? lol yes I know strange but very real. We started getting to dirt road to pull in to and things and when going back in the country areas and then this first thing in my mind was OMG no one will hear our screams. Every horror movie and story was now flashing threw my head. Mind you yes we met these people before, yes we had been talking to them but essentually they where still strangers, and in my head I’m like oh jesus…. we didn’t let anyone know where exactly we was going, we didnt let anyone know names or anything about these people.

I did talk to my mom she knew chris and I was going to some new friends house and staying out there and playing games, D&D and just hanging out and getting away. This was going to happen a few months from now but we kind of rushed it. They are a nice couple, they have 3 cats and both work, no kids. Only real issue I had was one smokes but I’m in her home and I won’t be that type who complains, So I kept allergy meds in me the whole time to help with it. It helped a little but not fully. Their bathroom smelled and I think it was a mix of issues. I know that is weird but other than that everything seemed fine. Our humor is different than theirs, but we all get the jokes just not all laugh out loud moments.

We played cards against humanity and that is for the most part a great game. So funny some of it. I wasn’t too in to how much they where in to videos and web sites (youtube, and SL). Learning D&D was a little much at some points because I picked druid as my caracter and I didn’t know that there where so many books and things I had to go threw for just that one thing. So my next caracter probably wont be drud. I’m not too fond of her being a gnome but that race was more like I am. next time I think I will fully go with a pixie not sure what class. I don’t want my caracter to die but I figure at somepoint it will.

I think that is all for right now, My imagination got away with it’s self at first but that’s who I am. Love you chris and hope you had a good time this weekend.

always

Raychel

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D&D, HMNS, and New people…

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^ fave photo from the butterfly garden ^

Things are changing, it’s getting hot and sometimes I don’t want to leave the apartment but we are doing much more than normal, we have the weekends off together lately because I normally have them off as long as we have all the employees needed here. We are making plans left and right and it’s exciting but also kind of scary. I know chris isn’t liking his job right now it’s really stressing him out to the point of physical sickness. It sucks on that part, they don’t pay that well either so he is planning to look for a new job I really hope something better comes for us. He really needs it.

We are looking for a new place to rent as well, I wish we could buy but that isn’t in the cards at this point in time. But, we are going to look while we rent. We hope to find a house to rent we are both over this apartment and the new people who are moving in. they are doing a lot of renevating as well, that is annoying somedays but not all the time anymore because they have been doing more in other places and not right next door like they where. Unfortunatly our new neighbors have brought in more than humans and loud ugly dogs, they are nasty and have brung bugs to the complex as well. I really can’t stand that but at the moment I figure no one will do anything here and they will blame us because our apartment isnt spotless so after my classes are over with for a few weeks I’m going to bust my ass cleaning everything from top to bottom then let them know about the bugs and the nasty asses down stairs.

On good notes we went this last weekend well, it was going to be the zoo but it was just too much all the parking around close was took and where we had to park was 20.00 unless you where going to the museum so we parked got to the doors to go out or go in the museum and was like why not… and went in. I really enjoyed it I loved the butterfly garden the most I think. I took a lot of photos in there and also in other areas. I had a blast and I can’t wait to go again because we got a membership to it so we can go enjoy it anytime we like.

We found a group of people who where looking for more D&D players for their group. So we met them the weekend before last it seemed alright, my anxiety and nerves kind of got to me and I was rather quiet, we have been talking to them via text to get to know them better and them us, since it will be held in their home. It is going to be a weekend thing every month just once a weekend I believe. I’m excited about it and it will be going on friday evening, saterday and sunday morning we will be taking off. Right now I’m at work and working on our Books for the game. Yes we are strange I guess, we want the books but we have printed off the books as well and I am currently laminating them so we can use them at the game and not worry about smoke, spills, or food getting all over it and messing the pages up. We have yet to get our dice and a few other things. OH! I got chris a DND bag for now till I make the ones I’m wanting to. It’s a very good one black leather with ironman on it.

we have the comicon coming up here in houston as well, We have already bought tickets and reserved our room at a hotel that is close. I can’t wait to meet stan lee! We bought a comic book by stan lee we plan to have signed so another awesome thing, and I would like a signed photo and us to get a photo together with him. We are also wanting some other signatures as well, I don’t think I want a photo with anyone else. Unless any of the serenity screw shows or maybe joss if he shows up!

Let’s see OH OH OH renfest is coming up soon I’m very excited about that as well. It wont be till the fall but all these photo oprtunities are very exciting plus doing so much stuff that I’ve just not had time or money to do. I’m able to now when in my past I just couldn’t. I’m very happy with my life the most happy I believe I have ever been.

I love you chris

always & forever
Raychel

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Our Adventure

So I didn’t keep up with my blog esp after saturday because Chris got off early and we went to several places riply’s believe it or not, riply’s haunted tour, and genesis book of world records. We had lunch at Fudruckers and we tried an elk burger and it was yummy, don’t taste much different from a normal burger less grease and more dense I guess you could say. It was good 😀 I started hurting so we had to go back home, I hate that so much because I feel it frustrates Chris and it does me too I wish I could turn off my pain but it’s always there just sometimes it isnt bad and other times it is so much I have to make myself move just so I will do the basic things for the house or myself.

Over all this was a nice trip, Sunday we went to the tower of americas, it was nice I got suviner photos, we got some things from the gift shop there and at the almao, I wish Chris would get things he likes other than just smashed pennies. That is something we have in common we get them almost everywhere we go, I always have and I still have some older ones for places I have been. I took some photos, not as many as I would have liked because inside the alamo they don’t allow it, not sure why ( I understand no flash photos mind you). But I got a few here and there not a lot. I plan to put them up on facebook like normal. I did a lot of knitting on my loom while there.

yesterday I’m sure Chris was just happy to be home, I was and jaeden was very happy. She did a lot better than I had expected really. I have to get back in to the swing of doing homework and I need to get my ass going and studying for my quiz. I have to pass it or I will get an incomplete on my class and I will fail and then I will cry my eyes out honestly. I’m not in a good mood over it all really because I hate the fact that I have to spend so much time at school and stuff over this one class that is supposed to be ONLINE. I also have to go and turn in crap because I have to prove I graduated highschool ( when they have my college transcript on file) and some paper about being dependant or married in which I am neither. Very messed up if you ask me. But I have to or I don’t get to go to my next semester. Also I have to go in for some freshmen meeting about how to handle money. Really?? I’m pretty sure I have done a pretty good job the last oh about 16-17 years… wow I feel old now thinking about that.

I don’t think Chris is going to take me to another haunted house, I couldn’t see because I don’t see well in the dark so I held on to him a lot, I’m sure he got frustrated over the two bridges and how slow I was being and stuff in it. I mean we made it through I jumped over the air that blows at you in some places but I do that over any random air being blown like that. Oh and I jumped when a car honked at me. I feel sorry for the kids who was in front of us, and when I say kids I mean little kids one maybe possibly in first grade or second who wanted to go on it, and two even smaller ones. In my head I was ” I have to do it this way” So I did do it that way, Chris kept telling me what I already knew but I still had to cross the bridge like my head said to. I’m weird I know, and honestly the stuff dont scare me but my anticipation of it and stuff just gets way high and that is what messes with me, and some days I think I am blind when it comes to being in the dark. some days I’m good some days I’m just horrible about it.

I think my fave was tower of Americas, we went to the observation deck I took some photos we talked around and looked, we went and ate lunch ( it was good and expensive), then we went to the gift shop and then the 4D adventure thing called “skies of texas” It was fun we go wind, water, and jumbled all around during it.

I think that is all for now I think I have hit everything other than the naughty things that no one needs to know over our week. It was a great adventure and I can’t wait till our next.
I love you Chris
Always,
Rachel

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First Day in San Antonio

It was a long drive to get here but it’s nice I love the view from our room (7th floor) it’s nice here clean and smells good the net is slow but still good, Can’t complain much for free internet. Wish there was more channels but still good. I’ve been watching cartoons all morning. I’m working on putting away things our clothing and things more like home, it’s what I do I dont like living out of the suit case really.

Last night we went out with chris’ co workers it was okay the food was good I can’t remember where we went but it was an italian place on the river walk, Id love to eat at a couple other places that I seen esp the boats they have you can eat on it, not sure if I want to for sure or just ride on it. either would be fun, and there is a place I seen another friend who goes to it in TN called  dicks last resort, I’m glad there is one here. I ruined the suprise knowing the place because chris wanted to take me for fun and surprise because its a place who does bags for you to put on your head and they write something on it and I guess your not supposed to read it and that is fine really. I think it would be fun.

I want to go to the tower of America and eat up in it, I hope its not so busy that its hard to get in to or a really long wait. it’s warm here much more so than baytown but the humidity isn’t as bad. its a big place and very busy I didnt take any photos last night because it felt I was rushed most of the night and I didn’t want to lose the group, they took a few photos but it was quick shots and I enjoy taking time and doing a lot more photos than one or two.

I think that is it for now. I enjoyed the company of other people last night, it was a nice change but I missed having more one on one time with Chris. I guess some people don’t understand our relationship but they don’t have to.

I love you baby

always,

Raychel

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Our First Vacation

Tuesday Chris and I will be going on our first vacation, a work vacation for him. I’m very excited about it. It’s just a few hours away in San Antonio that we will be going but we have plans to check out a few places to eat and enjoy ourselfs. I have most of our stuff packed, just need to finish up in the morning. Chris will be going before me because he has to go to work and do somethings and get checked in to the hotel, I’m very nervous about driving the car so far, it’s new and I’m still kind of getting use to it and I really would flip shit if something would happen to it.

I hope Chris is as excited about the trip and seeing a place and doing things we have never done before. It’s suppose to be nice and warm most of the time we are there. Today hasn’t been the greatest day, between waking to the apmt smelling of new cat shit on the floor, forgetting my keys at home(I hope), being late to sign in for work, droping my flash cards for my quiz and messing up a lot of them (so I will need to re-do a few of them), the quiz I’m suppose to do today, turning in other crap at work and just feeling blah. It’s a long day and it’s just 9:30am lol sounds like fun right? Well I’ve been bad and canceled out on the quiz I can take it next week, yes I know I’m bad. But I cannot do my best w/o studying and I can’t study when quite a bit of my cards didn’t make it threw hurricane Raychel. So I will take the quiz next week after vacation I have lots of time to study and replace cards then and I hope to pass it next week.

I still need to turn in my homework for the week I wont be here, and tomorrow morning I have to take a test and get things packed up, go shopping for a couple things for the trip mainly water I want to get it before getting to there, and fill up the car, and I should be on my way between 1-2pm tomorrow. I should get there 3-4 hours later. oh and I will probably eat lunch before taking off as well. Sounds like a plan. I wish Chris was going to be traveling with me but, at least he will be with me on the way back and hopefully we find things we can stop and check out and not just drive drive drive… that’s the fun part when traveling is checking out things and places you have never seen before.

I think I’ve over packed a bit but I wanted to be sure to have everything plus extra incase anything happens, plus we might be staying an extra day I’m really excited about it all. Chris was talking about taking me some place that would make me kill him, not sure if that is good or bad. He wont tell me anything other than its there and only there. So I’m hoping its some place fun.

We talk a lot about our future it’s nice to think about and work toward with someone who wants to be with me and go and do so much more than I’m use to with others. It’s so nice. We talk about moving and buying a place here over renting, It’s exciting to think about and we have found a few places we really like, in the long run of things we are talking about moving to Alaska and that just makes me down right giddy over it. I love it honestly having land and being able to do so much there. Yes I know it gets cold, I know the snow, but I can deal with that a whole lot better than the humidity down here in texas its completely crazy most of the year you can’t get out because of it, or its raining, its very rare to have a day we can go out and enjoy the day and the sun and just have fun.

I’m still enjoying the new car, new bill not so much, but it’s nice to have a car I can fully trust. The cars I have had in my past yes no bills along with it but they are so worn down sometimes I’m constantly fixing it or scared it will just break down now and die. I miss my old car sometimes but I love my serenity ( the new car). I will be getting my Tx drivers licenece soon I hope they are really backward here you have to have a car pretty much or a letter saying you do not have a car. I think this is as much as I’m going to write today I will try and write everyday while we are on vacation and share photos. SO excited!

always
Raychel

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wow2

And another old one, so odd to find these and read them and yes strong enough to post them now, now that I’m much better than I was.

There is a burning inside of me, anxiety, all of the time. I try to make my way through the days, try to put one foot in front of the other, and I think that I look okay on the outside. No one sees the war inside of me, and maybe that’s the way we like it. I am crying, fighting, scratching, failing to breathe … but you won’t see that. You won’t see any of it.

And thus the journey of mental illness and anguish carries on. The invisible war.

I don’t know how much longer I can take it. No. Actually, the depressing thing is that I know that I can take it … I just wish I didn’t have to. I have a good life now. I HAVE A GOOD LIFE NOW! I scream out in my head. So why am I not better? Why am I not fixed? Why am I so god damned hell bent on destroying myself. I can’t be happy. I can’t be happy. I can’t let things go. I can’t let myself off the hook. I can’t stop being scared. Being scared all of the time. I panic. Everything guts me. Even the things that aren’t real. They become real to me.

In my head, in my stomach, in my heart, I am fighting this war. The invisible war.

I lie in bed at night and beg for the tv sounds to lull me to sleep. No silence, please, I cannot take the silence. The quiet is deafening. My head is too loud. My thoughts are too loud. My guilt is too loud. My fear is too loud. I can’t sleep. I wake every hour from the nightmares. For years. Years and years without one night of peaceful sleep. I drag through the days, trying to smile and laugh. And I am happy, don’t get me wrong. My husband makes me happy. But the insides of me never rest, you see, and they never let me forget where I came from.

I am tired. So tired. And I am at a loss, as to how to end this invisible war.

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