Beyond the Boggled Mind

Ramblings of my boggled mind


on February 20, 2015

And another old one, so odd to find these and read them and yes strong enough to post them now, now that I’m much better than I was.

There is a burning inside of me, anxiety, all of the time. I try to make my way through the days, try to put one foot in front of the other, and I think that I look okay on the outside. No one sees the war inside of me, and maybe that’s the way we like it. I am crying, fighting, scratching, failing to breathe … but you won’t see that. You won’t see any of it.

And thus the journey of mental illness and anguish carries on. The invisible war.

I don’t know how much longer I can take it. No. Actually, the depressing thing is that I know that I can take it … I just wish I didn’t have to. I have a good life now. I HAVE A GOOD LIFE NOW! I scream out in my head. So why am I not better? Why am I not fixed? Why am I so god damned hell bent on destroying myself. I can’t be happy. I can’t be happy. I can’t let things go. I can’t let myself off the hook. I can’t stop being scared. Being scared all of the time. I panic. Everything guts me. Even the things that aren’t real. They become real to me.

In my head, in my stomach, in my heart, I am fighting this war. The invisible war.

I lie in bed at night and beg for the tv sounds to lull me to sleep. No silence, please, I cannot take the silence. The quiet is deafening. My head is too loud. My thoughts are too loud. My guilt is too loud. My fear is too loud. I can’t sleep. I wake every hour from the nightmares. For years. Years and years without one night of peaceful sleep. I drag through the days, trying to smile and laugh. And I am happy, don’t get me wrong. My husband makes me happy. But the insides of me never rest, you see, and they never let me forget where I came from.

I am tired. So tired. And I am at a loss, as to how to end this invisible war.


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