Beyond the Boggled Mind

Ramblings of my boggled mind

Tear in my heart & snag in my soul…

on May 12, 2014

My life is not meant to be folded, bent, stapled, spindled or manipulated in any way. Have you ever met people who have tried to turn your experiences and darkest moments into their drama? These shallow personalities have abused the things that tear at your heart, or leave a snag in your soul, as their own currency.

My ability to express myself has never been at issue, but my desire and willingness to trust, has been battered. Being empathetic, I am a receptor for a lot of people. The nuances of human development and behavior are intriguing to me; I observe micro-currents of humanity’s expression.

My compassion has also been trampled and abused. It has happened at critical times in my life; my enthusiasm, and belief in the goodness of people, has been used to carve out someone else’s advantage. Someone I befriended showed their true selfish nature. I don’t forget, so it makes it harder for me to forgive. A real friend does not use your sorrow or kindness to further their personal standing. A real friend doesn’t put you at the back of the line because someone else is more powerful, more famous, richer, better looking, or whatever descriptor draws the comparison between you and the unwanted “opponent.” I have my own battles, so just leave me out of this confrontation. It does not matter who the winner is in your life because you took my medal to create your standing.

To those who took my strengths, and my weaknesses, and turned them into a way to gain attention, striving for success and validation, you lost a valuable ally. Loyalty is not an easy commodity to gain. It is even harder, if not impossible, to regain. Respect has to be earned, not demanded. At some point, the deceit and hubris will come to light.

Toxic people will take, take, and take some more. They mistake the trust as a tool of power. They will twist situations to appear stronger, but it is the fear of losing some type of control, that makes them behave that way. Real relationships are not built on false flattery or translucent lies. I will not sink down to the level of someone who wants to rise above me and will calculate what my story is worth. But, I also know that the foundations they stand upon are only made of sand.

They always sink and fall. They run and try to build on top of lies I’ve not met many of these people, however the few I have met was able to gain my trust threw other people, or online, it didn’t take too long to figure them out. One I ended up stuck with for almost 11 years! I knew better but I was stuck I had given up on so much stuff and just kept going in this circle it took a lot for me to finally stand up and get out of the grove I had dug myself in to.

The most recent one tried to take my place in a lot of ways I’m glad this person is gone, moved on to another set of friends to take advantage of. I’m doing a lot better but this person tore my heart and put a snag in my soul.

I will not have these people in my life anymore. I’m sad to say I still have a few around me but they are not close enough to cause damage. I don’t have too much trust and faith in humanity, after my divorce I was getting better but its hard after you take a hit like I have, well like we have.

I’m trying to get better and I’m happy to have my guy by my side in this.


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