Beyond the Boggled Mind

Ramblings of my boggled mind

Sad Realization

on October 24, 2012

Have you ever felt you’re all alone in the world before?

Hopeless.. and don’t see the meaning in living anymore?

That feeling… no words can describe it aptly?

People who told me they understand my pain… no, you don’t. You can never truly understand someone else’s pain unless you have experienced it on your own, and even then guess what you still don’t know everyone is different, everyone’s pain, thoughts, depression, body, everything is different so you will NEVER know!

I didn’t want to do anything, to be outside. I wanted to stay home.. not even really home, this is not my home nor my house really, where no one can see me. I feel uncomfortable here, my family makes me feel inadequate, and like a black sheep as always. But right now it is worse than ever.

Am I okay? No! no I am not, but I will be! 

I was lucky to have my special someone help me lately. He encourages me, and tells me that things will be alright.

I am lucky to find someone who accepts me for who I am, I know I have friends and family who are there, but really they are all too busy I came back from california and no one will even come over and visit for a bit they expect me to come to them, with no car here and no money in my pocket that isn’t happening any time soon and I don’t want to ask my mother to take me.

I have a much different goal than I had a few months ago, what is it you ask? one move to texas, they have tons of jobs and I can start school there much easier. I have my best friend there and other friends who are willing to stand with me to help me. Cali is nice dont get me wrong, but there is no jobs out there! ( unless you drive 50+ miles one way to it and that don’t pay enough after gas!) I will give myself a few weeks to get a job if not I wont be a burden on my friends and will move back with my rents, again I hate having to depend on anyone but sometimes I know I have to. it sucks

I am happy I am free I am divorced as of 10-9-2012 it’s all finished. Right now I’m trying to sell off anything and everything to make a little money to get where I need to be.

I never thought I would be in the position I have been in the last few years, but a lot has happened and if you are not me you don’t understand and that is fine. I’m not asking you to. what I do ask is don’t act better than I, don’t look down on me, and do not feel sorry for me.

Some people like to only see the last few years of me not working they forget the full time jobs and going to school and supporting a bf who had part time jobs or no job, one who would bounce from here to there and couldn’t keep a job for long. I do what I have to to get by like anyone else. at this point I wish I had broke things off with my ex long before now, I should have, I forgave and forgot a lot, I let go things I shouldn’t have, I felt I didnt deserve better, I felt no one else wanted me. but you know what that is fine, I dont have to have someone, I dont have to have someone wanting me all the time.

It’s time for me to get my life back, get myself back in order. Just right now I’m depressed as hell for having to be where I started basically when I graduated HS. But that’s ok because even depressed I’m happier than I was, and that is a sad realization.

I know I will get back on my feet and I will be stronger for all this, I know my sister is happy for me and she will watch over me and make sure I get what I want and need right now.

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4 responses to “Sad Realization

  1. stuffykaida says:

    I will always be there to help you get back up on your feet and be an ear to listen when you need it.

  2. stuffykaida says:

    I love you. You are my whole world. I always remember everything about you, or at least try to. You are much more than me than the past few years. You are everything from that first moment we started talking, and back then you were working. While I don’t know how hard because you use to talk to me while working I know you were helping. I know that even when you weren’t working you were taking care of things. I know the pain that your ex caused you because I suffered the pain as well. I may not understand everything that has happened, but I want to. I want to be the one there for you and help you in every way that I can.

    • Ms.Wasabi says:

      *smiles* you always are the one person who can make me smile and feel better, and nights I talked with you at work I was working 3rd shift it wasnt as bad so I could do anything I wanted pretty much. but when I was in college I kept a full time job, I always had a full time job from when I moved out of my mom and dads from 2000 till 2007 my sister got sick I helped take care of her, I did the house work and things like that I was a “wife with 2 kids” w/o being married or ever having kids between late 06 till 08 then helped take care of destinee from 08 till 09 and from then till now Ive been taking care of dad and mom things that need done and stuff over looking for a job my ex told me I didn’t have to get a job so I didn’t I put all my focus on family and the home. now here I am no job no savings nothing. you know I will tell you anything and everything, I don’t regret my life just the time I spent with people who didn’t deserve me. ( hence the ex) but I know w/o it I wouldnt be who I am, and I wouldnt probably be talking with you right now, this second. I adore you stuffy.

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