Beyond the Boggled Mind

Ramblings of my boggled mind

Sometimes Divorce is the only answer to happiness.

on June 8, 2012

I’ve been wanting to write this blog for a few days now. I know some people know but some people don’t get or know why, but Jamie and I are separated, and going to get divorced. I have been saying blame me but thing is I’m going crazy and he is the limo driver. I don’t really want this blog to be all bitching about him but it might turn in to just that, we will see. But you have to know Ive been wanting a divorce for a while now, actually I wanted to break up before we married but things got better when we talked things out and started planning to get married.

So sunday, me, dad, justin and steph was going to the flea market, Jamie didn’t want to go he wanted to stay home. Well next thing I know he is calling me to come back.  later I will explain what all happened , but it was a load and him being just his douche bag self so I went off and I told him to leave. Ive been wanting a divorce for a while now just didn’t have the money for it I finally broke down and called mom told her and asked her to pay for my divorce I didn’t want her to have to, I don’t want to be a burden on anyone.

Thing is I need away from jamie he is not good for me mentally, and really physically because I don’t want to go out and do anything b/c he throws fits about anything even when I went and sat to be alone at the lake he would go off the deepend. So fuck it, I can’t do it anymore and thing is I WANT to! Some friends know what I’m talking about and the crazy shit he does and shit. I’m just over it all.

I mean when someone is in a car riding and I hit a bump they shouldnt over react and flop all over the god damn place, ALSO when you bump in to someone or touch them the bump they shouldnt act as if I’m a fucking rino and he is a fly, I’m big but please get real. and touch OMG I touched his leg under the table with my toe so it hurt him sooo bad he had to “owe” and bitch about it. I can understand if I kicked the fuck out of him but barely grazing his skin with my toe!?!?!? come on! how much more of this type of shit should I put up with? AND OMG I understand he has allergies but this sound he makes to “scrach” his throat is the most descusting sound ever and he wont take anything for his allergies. let’s see OH and he uses the bathroom with the door wide open no matter how much it stinks! I mean come on, close the fucking door have some kind of respect for others. He tells the same damn ( not that funny the first damn time) stories, also humiliating storys about himself, why the hell would you keep telling people stories about ” accidents” ( if you know what I mean).

I really hope jamie finds someone to make him happy, cause I sure the hell couldnt. Right now I’m happy to be single, seperated, whatever…. I don’t know when I will find someone I can be with I’m not going to rush anything I just want this divorce and jamie to be gone. I don’t know if I can stay friends with him. I don’t expect to because really I don’t want him in my life in any way shape or form. I want to deal with things till the divorce and go our own ways. Sunday was the start of the split, and Monday it will be physically starting our split. he will be going back to Indiana, his own choice and I’m staying here in cali.

Some people are like ” I’m sorry” or “maybe when he realizes what he’s loseing he will come back” I’m the one wanting this. I don’t want him back and when I find someone I want a relationship with again it wont be him and I know what I don’t want and I know the signs of someone who is going to monipulate me and keep me from friends and family. I want nothing to do with someone like that. I spend my time all day in the house it’s been like this for years and people are always “you need to get off the computer” and it’s nothing to do with the computer.

You have to understand 1- in a house what do you do watch tv? well the computer is basically MY tv time. so the hours and hours you sit watching tv, I’m sitting on the computer doing things, like playing games talking with friends at least keeping my mind busy. and 2- jamie was so jealous over everyone online offline it didn’t matter! he wanted all my damn time we would fight and argue over the smallest shit and even when I would say anything what so ever he didn’t like he would come back at me about not being so “ill” or so mean, or even like telling me I didnt have to be such a bitch about it.

for instance: the other night I was so close to sleep like I was almost there and he touched me and it scared the fuck out of me b/c I do that ok and I jumped and he was all ” what” and I told him ” you fucking touched me and scared the shit out of me.” from that moment on he went in to a big ass fit about how I shouldn’t cuss him. I’m sorry but I’m an adult and when something hurts pisses me off or scares me I cuss it happends get over it it don’t mean shit. they are just words for something else get the hell over yourself about it.

now he is all trying to tell me he isnt going to find anyone else or have sex or anything b/c that is adultry. I told him go be happy. damn I sure the hell don’t need him in my life. hell I don’t really want him there. after the divorce I want it over with I dont even want a friendship. I’m planning to delete one of my facebooks and adding people to another one I have. yes I have flipping 3 facebooks because I have to keep one mainly for jamie and other family/friends. and I hate it I hate not being able to be me or open with people and I probably never can me b/c I know they wont understand.

That is fine for me to do I don’t really care, I just want to be able to be me more. I’ve kinda lost myself over the years with jamie and I need to find myself again. A friend has helped me in this, and I’ve changed for the better I might add. I have more confidance than I used to. I want to get out more but jamie kind of ties me down and the fact I don’t have a job or money it keeps me in the house.

I know what you are thinking jamie had a job, yes but that was HIS money not mine, I might have had control of it but if I spent anything on myself that was not needed he would act a fool about it and I just got over it and stopped spending money on myself unless it was like a dollar or two some place.

Well I think I’m going to end this and it’s maybe a little bit of a view to what is going on and why it’s happending. I know people are saying ” sorry” but please don’t I want this. give them to jamie, he has always been the drama queen here so I’m going to assume he’s already all about it on his facebook and talking with people about it b/c he’s been on the phone a hell of a lot more than normal talking to people about this. I understand it hurts him I really do, but someday I know he will realize this is for the best for both of us. He can go out and find someone for him.

ok ok enough if I keep writing I’m only going to get pissed off because I’m thinking more and more stuff that goes on that no one else knows of. so I hope people will read this and kinda understand why I’m breaking up. Basically to help me get my sanity back and I want to be happy, and not just go threw the motions of shit everyday.

always,
Me.

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