Beyond the Boggled Mind

Ramblings of my boggled mind

this somber abyss

on August 31, 2011

I’ve never been really good at expressing myself. I bottle things up inside so tightly that a lot of the time I completely forget that it’s still there, inside, just waiting for the day the screw cap loosens enough for that bottle to go off like bottle rocket in a glass house.

Yes, I’m in a mood. I’m not quite depressed. I’m not quite angry. I’m not quite…well, OK, I’m not quite anything at the moment. I don’t know what I am, to be honest. (That reminds me of the line from The Crow when he’s asked if he’s a ghost. “I don’t know what I am.”) I guess that’s as good an answer as any.

I want to sleep…but my mind is refusing to shut down. My husband says I’m having nightmares when I do sleep…in fact, I’m hitting and kicking as I sleep. I have no waking memories of either hitting/kicking, or of the content of the dream.

I don’t think it’s any of the medicine I’m on. I’ve been on all of them for a while. There has been a good bit of stress in the last few months, with moving and everything. For whatever reason, though, sleeping is difficult. I admit I’m suicidal. Well, no, that’s not quite the right word. I would never ACT on these feelings. they’re usually just fleeting. Small thoughts like, “What’s the use?” or “May they/he/she/it would be better without me.” But no, I can’t.

When push comes to shove

You taste what you’re made of

You might bend ’till you break

’cause it’s all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you’ve had enough.

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe your hands, shake it off,

Then you stand.

Stand, Rascal Flatts.

that’s probably the best way to say it, yeah song lyrics *sigh*

**Warning**rant time**Caution**

I’m extremely tired of being ignored and only wanted at specific times. The only time people call me or want to talk to me is when they want something from me.

Go away!

I am saying right now that I do not care anymore, and I do not want to come when I’m called!

I am not a dog!

I do not take orders!

I do what I want to do!

It just so happens that I’m always freaking alone! ( people around me or not!)

I am invisible!

I’m stuck in my mind!

Its quite lonely here!

Even when I try to leave the privacy of my thoughts, I am being dragged back in. And whenever I think I finally escaped, something happens and I have to go back, or I’m pulled back in for no reason. I feel so alone all the time. Like theres no one in the world but me. No one gives a damn ass shit about me. (okay, maybe a few people do, but they don’t have the time to pay attention) Every one has a life and people to see and things to do. Then theres me sitting alone in my room.

I guess I’m pretty much tired of being ignored all the time and being alone all the time, and over reacting over everything cause my mind has nothing else to do. Jealously eats at me, people annoy me, people talking to me annoy me, people being nice to me because they know I’m upset annoys me. If it annoys you so much, why weren’t you talking to me before? Huh? Where were you before this happened? It’s alright though, go enjoy your life. I’ll just chill back here alone.

** END RANT?**

You know when you ride a roller coaster, and you climb to the top, and that feeling right before you go down? You know when you catch a monarch butterfly and you feel like you can catch anything?  You know when you did something good, and someone praises you? You know the feeling when you’re finally recognized for your talent.

I’ve lost that feeling. And I don’t know why, or where it went. All I know is that I feel ever so emotionless. That things are going through, and everything is perfect, and it couldn’t be better, and yet I don’t feel anything. That I look outside at a beautiful day, and I don’t feel like being here. I feel like sleeping. Like closing up. Like I’m trapped. I don’t know where I’m trapped, but trapped somewhere. Usually I can work through it. Usually I can hide it pretty well and move on in my life. Usually I can ignore it until it goes away.

But this time, it is just swallowing me whole. Taking me away. Slipping further down.

I am a lone soul wondering aimlessly.

Condemned and raped by life’s promises.

All I see is murky.

No hope, no faith.

Just a bitter world.

I want to escape but…

chains of bittersweet memories, hold me steady.

I am trapped in the past, sentenced in this somber abyss.

My heart sings of dolor, melancholy, and anxiety.

When will my music convert to a blissful hymm…

lost, deranged, and yours

Raychel

 

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