Beyond the Boggled Mind

Ramblings of my boggled mind

out of it ( full letter @FL)

on August 4, 2011

When I write, I do just that, write my emotions without reservations.  I don’t critique myself, nor do I feel the need to proofread every sentence.  When I write it is raw, true emotions pouring out of me, finding a safe haven.  Experiencing pain released, through the act of writing, is stronger than any drug.  It helps me see my pain, which justifies my emotions.

It may not make sence it might not even click ever to anyone reading this and some may know just what I am talking about. This past week feels like I have totally and utterally wasted my days. I hate feeling this way but I can’t help it when all the good things out of this past week feels like it’s been taken like a childs favorate toy. It’s gone all memories and nothing more, this weeks been truly awesome on all levels.

Right now I’m bored out of my fucking mind, seems everyone is too busy for me just makes me want to shove everyone away and do what I need to do and just stop making time for people like I doI dont to worry about it after the 8th i wont have time to mess with pretty much anything other then selling and moving to cali I’m so ready to be out there and be with my daddy mom and the boys maybe I can get out more and have more of a life. hopefully I will find a good job out there and start a real life. this sitting around wasting my life away just isnt what anyone should want. it’s shark week and made me think about going back to college I really wanted to be a Marinebiologist always had been a dream maybe I can.

I know this blog is probably confusing and really bull of randomness but I just need this out of  my head. there is a lot of stuff bugging the living shit out of me I mean wow really how many times can I feel like I am getting slapped in the face?

I experienced something today that chilled me to the core… maybe all these feelings when I feel slapped is right I mean maybe this will never change maybe it will be a loop going around in it no matter how hard I try no matter how much i do it will end up the same? I keep trying to change and be a better person. maybe its not me? maybe its others ? blahhhh…. thats all i wanna keep saying lately cause I am so out of it over and over again one point I feel alive as hell and happy then the next its like gone like i cant keep it i’m not alowed to have happiness. but that makes me think… you know we are not promised happiness only the procute of it. maybe that is all i will have?

I realize I have walls iron and they snap up faster then a bear trap, but its how I protect myself and really thats how everyone is when it comes to their feelings and life, there are very few who come with in the walls and stay there. hell I dont think anyone is with in my walls even my husband. the walls go up to protect me and risk anyone else close enough to be hurt. it’s not I want to hurt them.

to whom it may consurn :

I’m not sure how this started, why it’s even happening.  I only know, or better yet feel, that you see me, all of me.

I find myself falling, hard.  I hate admitting that to anyone, especially to myselfe. I’m not usually this weak, very few ever penetrate the surface, to our soul. there are lots of problems here, most of all me. yet i keep falling further and in to this dream I’ve created…..I keep going down this path and step on stones and gashed with thorns, blinded in the fog.all I can think of is what you have to lose really is there a gain in all this? I really wonder.

You’re all I can think about. I imagine your arms around me, holding ME.  This feels like I’m part of a fairytale, but fairy tales don’t exist. That’s what they are, fairy tales, where the charming beautiful girl meets the man of her dreams, the one she will spend eternity with.  Doesn’t happen, not in real life, we’ve fallen for that before.

You know my issues. Why in the HELL aren’t you running?  You can’t fix me, I’m not even sure I can fix myself. Why would you put yourself and your world on the line for me?

Don’t fall in love.  I’ll disappoint you.  I’m a disappointment to myself.  Loving me, loving all of me is wrong and it will only hurt you in the end.

Do yourself a favor, run.I’ve learned many years ago, that fairy tales only exist in movies…. and books with tattered pages…..

 peace love and duct tape



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