Beyond the Boggled Mind

Ramblings of my boggled mind

8 years

so 4 days ago marked 8 years that we lost my sister. I wish people understood no matter how long it might get easier for day to day, but when it hits the day she passed and her birthday it’s so much harder. Not only are you seeing you lost someone, but how much time has past. You realize how many more you have lost through that time as well. We lost daddy back in September. So the day was mainly thinking of Destinee, but also Daddy now. Trying to just tell myself it’s better neither are in pain now, and that they are together. Does that make me any less sad, no. Does that make me any less hurt, nope. So when you tell me it will get easier, No… no, it doesn’t. Not really. Not on the days it happens. Not on special days, no matter what I tell myself, no matter what you tell me, you think you are helping, you really aren’t.

This is not something you “get over”, When I lost my grandma’s it hurt, I was sad, but honestly It’s much easier because they where older, I expected it one day. I never expected my Sister to die at 17, I never thought my dad would never be able to walk me down the isle again. I never thought the last day I spent with dad would literally be the last day I’d have time with him. It sucks, I hate it, and nothing anyone says will help me.

I try and be there for others, I know the things I say are the same shit that others say to me, I know it’s all I know what to say, it’s being nice, its trying to help settle their mind. But really, it’s nothing more than making the person saying it feel better, the actual person it is happening to, no, I sigh and roll my eyes, my mind says so much, but my face I smile, and say yes, and thank you. It makes no difference the words that come from your mouth, hug and be there for them. When they want to keep busy because it’s easier for them that day, don’t say they are wrong for doing it. It’s how I cope with things.

I could be doing much worse than keeping myself busy on these days. I could do worse and I have done worse to cope sometimes. We all have and we all do, it’s human. This isn’t what I wanted to type out for this year for Destinee, I wanted to do something to remember her. Maybe a little later I will.


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Sinking ship

Today, I’m just down, depressed. I didn’t know why but just am. I realized what it is. I mourn the loss of possibility, of promise, of our pursuit of happiness. The POTUS is suppose to HELP the people, not make things harder on us. Not make us jump through red tape for simply wanting something to make us happy and our life a little easier. The POTUS is suppose to work for us, the government is suppose to work for us, to fear us, not us to fear them.
Absolutely devastating… This repeal of ACA is estimated to take away health insurance from 40 million people, 4 million of which are children. Harvard School of Public Health estimates 26,000 deaths this year… Do I need to worry for my love, or myself? No, We are lucky, We have put much thought in to the last couple years to get off of ACA for myself, and I’ve been off for a while now, We did research and planned, we talked and figured things out so I wouldn’t have to stay on ACA, I was only on it for one year, We are lucky, and we knew to plan. We plan everything honestly, at least everything that can be.
But what about, my family? My two brothers where one doesn’t have a job, and one I’m sure doesn’t have insurance, at least not yet through his job. What about my mother who just lost part of her insurance, what about my mother who has been prediagnosed illnesses that can stop her from getting insurance once ACA is gone (she’s not on it right now but it is an option for her) or if her other insurance is lost. What about all the other families out there?
You see, when I didn’t vote for the Orange Moron, I wasn’t thinking about myself in this, I was thinking about so many others. When I fight for rights, They don’t always come in line with my life, You see unlike most of the people I know and associate with, ACA is all they have, Their marriage, their bodies, their choices, their rights for these are slowly being took away. When I say I am a feminist it’s not because I am a women, it’s because I believe in all human rights, no matter gender, sex, color, race, sexual orientation, if you are poly or monogamous, you should have the rights of anyone else. You should be happy, you shouldn’t have to appease anyone else, and no one else should have any what so ever control over your choice for your life.
He is a greedy orange monster, and we are going to be in a very bad relationship for the next 4 years. Even after he fucks us over (already started) and he is out of office our money will still line his pockets. He never wanted this position, he wanted the name, he wanted to pull off the biggest con of his life and he did it, we will be paying him for the rest of our/his life to fuck us for the next 4 years, but even that the things he signs and puts in to order may fuck us for years after that. Our bodies, our water, our planet should be important to him, but it’s not. He’s in it for the money and fame. He’s in it for himself, even after breaking the constitution he’s still in house, I don’t see him getting impeached because our government has major flaws.
I don’t want to live here anymore, if I had the money I’d move so fast, I would have already been out of here. For the first time in my life, I see as the world see’s the USA and I’m completely embarrassed to be an American. It was humiliating that he even got to the point of a possibility of being president but him making it is a complete and utter embarrassment.
If you honestly don’t feel embarrassed that the rest of the world see’s all Americans as stupid, racist, and they honestly believe all American’s are like trump. Then you are part of the problem. You are willing to look away from facts and believe that he was good for our country, to literally fight and argue when facts are out there, they are being shown to you.
I’m sorry to say this but you deserve everything that is going to happen the next 4(+) years. What happens here is going to have an rippling effect. Unfortunately in to dirty, toxic water.
I can’t leave, I want to, believe me I do. Maybe not completely out of our nation, but out of this state, because there are a few decent states still out there (CA/NY) I know I want out of Texas, this I’ve always known to be a horrible state, but at least I’m close to Houston where they are more open, and more realistic for the most part.
I mourn for our nation, I mourn for our people, because no matter how much we disagree, no matter how much fighting, and protesting, and ugliness is out there, we are on the same boat here. The orange moron willing to be at the front of a ship and put holes in the rear is still going to take us all down.


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So lately I’ve not been blogging at least not on here. There has been so many changes lately I can’t remember what I last blogged about here, I had to take a min and look back to where I last left off. What all changes have been going on since then and so many I can put on here and yes a few I will not put on here.

So yes, My last post was about Losing my Daddy. We had a memorial service for him a couple weeks after he passed away. Things are weird I miss his voice. I have him and my sister’s ashes here at my home. Just kind of lost.

We decided this weekend we want to go to TRF (Texas ren fest) Not sure if we are going to go or not at this point because we are both sick, yesterday I even skipped out on my classes I was just feeling terrible and I’m not feeling as bad as I was but I still didn’t want to move from my bed and go to work, but here I am sitting at the work computer messing on my blog. It’s fairly slow right now I just hope people don’t give me crap and will get out of the park so I can go home and rest before I have to get up for the morning shift tomorrow.

We also got a bit of a surprise where my babe’s parents wanted to do something for his birthday, it’s weird because like the 4 years I’ve been here only once have we done anything with them for his birthday and that was us asking them to join us for food and show them that we had moved to our own apartment and things. They wasn’t that fond of it since we aren’t married. But they I’m guessing are fairly better about it now we have been living together like 3 years now.

Let’s see I’m not sure what else to say here. Just kind of touching base on this blog. I doubt if anyone even reads it anymore. Mainly for myself I guess and my love. well I guess that’s it.

Love you baby

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RIP Daddy 9/2/2016

It’s been a few days now, I just feel kind of lost but I can’t let myself drift away, I can’t loose myself. I need to help mom and my brothers, I need to keep myself in order and together best I can.

I lost my daddy the 2nd, he had a massive heart attack with diabetic complications. When mom told me, took a lot of calls to finally wake me because I never keep the cell sound on, and we don’t keep the house phone in the bed room. So I finally woke (not that I was sleeping well anyway it was a rough night since my love was away on a short business trip) called her back because honestly I had a couple calls from dad’s cell and several from her’s so I instantly thought one of my brothers got hurt. Mom told me “daddy died” and my mom says daddy when she refers to my grandfather( her step father) sometimes so that’s where my mind went first, then I realized wait my daddy? And yes that’s how I asked her so I could have my mind where it needs to be but I just I don’t know how are you suppose to react? I know I screamed but I don’t remember anything but saying no and not my daddy. I don’t know how my youngest brother reacted he was there with mom and dad when he passed. I was told the brother next to me sat on the side of the bed and was trying to “wake up” like it’s all a nightmare and he would wake up.

I know my love was only able to meet daddy once, and there is a lot of feelings going on mainly that it’s not fair. I feel the same way, daddy was only 60, he shouldn’t be gone. He was supposed to walk me down the isle with who I am with now. my love wanted to ask for my hand before he asks me. I still don’t know when this is going to happen but something that is there.

I don’t know right now I’m just lost and I can’t be. I need to be here and do things I must do. I know mom is lost as well, I know she cannot be, I know she has to make plans and try and get it out to everyone about dad passing. When mom said ” he said he would never leave me” and that she’s lost her soul mate and her crying just is a new level of heart break for me. I hate when mom crys I hate when she is hurting because I’m so use to seeing her being the strong one that handles everything and honestly people act like she does nothing when she is always there for everyone, when she is always the one to help with everyone in the family, then the “family” turn cheek to her.

There is so much more I want to say that right now I shouldn’t. So I think I’m going to end this blog for now.

To be Continued…


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Vacation is all I ever wanted…

Okay so it’s not but seemed like a good title, now that the song is stuck in my head. Anyway I’ve not mentioned it to many people unless you follow more than this blog of mine. But in December we are going on our first real vacation, we are going on a cruse. I’m so completely excited to have 7 days yes 7 days with my babe with no real worries just go and enjoy ourselves. This is the first time for me to go out of the US so that is pretty exciting for me as well. My babe has been out and even lived outside of the US.

So the cruse is from Galveston to 3 other ports ( I will blog about it later and esp when we get back) then back to Galveston. We have looked over things to do and picked out a few things we want to do more and have even thought about and talked about more cruses and things we want to do. I’ve been online shopping for some things that we need and some things we want. I’ve found clothing I want that is much more feminine than I normally wear but I’ve been slowly finding more things I like and being more open to clothing and color choices. I’m liking more and more colors lately.

I’m trying to make sure to remember certain things like yes bring a few ziplock bags so I can pick up a little sand to bring back because I want to make shadow boxes with photos and the sand in it and maybe some other things we pick up every where we are going. I want to be sure to get shot glasses for our collection because that’s something we have gotten on most of our adventures. Let’s see I think that is really it for now.

I love you baby


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Letter to Me…

My dear you think you are an adult, you feel like it anyway.

You have helped for years with your siblings and with the house while mom and dad worked most of your life. You are at a weird age where you feel like nothing is impossible no matter how much your depression gets to you, you try. You are looking at colleges and ready to leave your parents house thinking about where you are going to move because your feet are itching for so much new grounds to walk.

A lot will change in the next 2 years before you graduate and move out. Spend time with your sister for the love of all that is holy spend time with her, take TONS of photos. Spend more time with your brothers, your mom, your dad, go see your great grandmother, see both of your grandmothers as much as possible and stop rolling your eyes at people who are older who are trying to teach you lessons of life. You do not know everything!

You are going to date several people who are going to drive you wild that you can’t get enough of. I’m telling you now, find the geek the nerd the one who knows who you are inside that you hide from everyone. Be yourself no matter how hard it is because when you get older you are still going to be hiding so much of yourself over fear.

You are going to date and meet people who are going to tear you down, hurt you constantly, walk away and don’t let them stop you. It’s a waste of your time to keep going back to the same hurt the same stale pond with no moving water or life. It’s and endless cycle you won’t realize till it’s too late.

You are going to meet someone who will be able to stand with in your heart and feel all the flames and bask in the glow of it. You are going to ignore all your feelings and walk away to “save” yourself, when in reality they will be the perfect person for you. They will be your best friend for years and years before finally realizing this is your soul mate.

You are going to waste a lot of time and finally find what your purpose is on this earth. People are going to try and stop you, diminish you’re light. Keep going… Keep going…

Dear lady,

you’ve gotten through many years you are in your  late 20s- early 30s and giving up, life has kicked you over and over again and you are giving up on dreams… but you will make it you can keep going… you have all the reasons to be depressed, you have reasons not to feel well but  I know you got this, you will have someone very soon that will heal your wounds and take care of you and you will care for them in ways they and yourself never thought you could. keep going… keep going…

Dear Me,

Things are going slow, things are changing around you some for the better some for worse, you are happy … keep going… keep going…

Dear future me,

See isn’t it worth it? Things changed things are better, wasted time sucked but you are exactly where you are suppose to be. You are happy, you can do this, you can handle anything, look at all you have made it through. Keep going!

~just me

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PrintOkay so I’m a little late but better late than never right?

Thanksgiving 2015 has come and gone, and tailing close is Christmas, at least for me anyway, some have Christmas following behind Halloween and skipping completely over Thanksgiving. I like Thanksgiving much more than Christmas honestly.  But I will stop complaining, I want to celebrate with a thankful heart the blessings of Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving is my 2nd perhaps 3rd favorite holiday.  The reasons for this are simple.  Families  come together all over the US and people think about what they are thankful for. I love seeing the 30 days of thankfulness on FB and things I know it’s odd and yes we should be thankful for more than this one month and I’m sure we are, at least I am. But this is the time of year people are vocal about it. Yes I do know the first thanksgiving was not all food and peace I fully am aware of our history in the US not just about what we were brainwashed to think in elementary school. I’m thinking about today, this past month, what it is to us today.
I miss my family a lot during the holidays even if I found it annoying sometimes to just sit and eat and do the same things we always do every year. I guess you don’t appreciate things till they aren’t there and they aren’t done. I had a good time with my love and his family, this is I believe the 3rd year? or 2nd? Horrible I should be able to remember this stuff.
I remember as a kid going to my (moms side) grandma’s for the holidays and family coming together in Ky from In, and more north to visit each other.  It is always a blessing to me that the family loves to be together so much that they travel the distance, putting up with the before and after traffic, and cook together for days to feed the crowd.  For the Thanksgiving meal is only one meal of several that must be prepared, for we are feeding the crowd ,which is likely only 20 to 30 maybe more depending on who can come and how long each would stay.
I also remember holidays with my (dads side) other grandma most only traveled a few miles to be there. But still would come. always the parade then football and movies, food, then for the most part the last few years I was there poker and other money games.
Both sides we would laugh and tell stories of the past. This year I’m sure it was much different in both sides. I guess more than this year, I remember seeing my great-grandmother as well she always had chicken and dumplings for us. This was always before or after Thanksgiving when we went.
When we go to Thanksgiving with my loves parents, its a very small gathering that I’m honestly not that use to. It’s his parents, his brothers and us. His brothers are younger still ( college age) and have no kids, we don’t have kids, no other family comes. It’s strange to me it shouldn’t be but it is.
It makes me wonder if I would talk about the number of people at thanksgivings when I was younger if they would be amazed and be all in wonder. I don’t talk much while there. I enjoy hearing their stories, and it’s almost the same ones each time. They are the best ones. I remember a lot of stories I grew up hearing over and over again.
 Tales of Thanksgivings past, including the adult children telling the younger children how they advanced from a pallet on the floor to a bed, and moving from the children’s table to the adult table. All of the memories that are shared and created year to year, make all of the effort more than worth it.
I am so thankful for my family each side, blood or not, everyone of them, and the love we all have for each other even if we don’t agree.  We, like all families, have had some times when there was conflict, usually over unimportant things, but we hung in there as a family and weathered those times, and we are so much stronger as a family because of that.  I am thankful that we had the commitment to be together this one time a year, and think that such was a big to do with keeping my family strong.
We have already came to points where my grandmothers ( all 3 over the years) have passed on, There is no longer the same Thanksgiving I grew up having.  There has been a time where aunts and uncles took the torch and it’s slowly coming a time when some are no longer with us, or can no longer do the cooking and shopping and cleaning. The holidays have changed and I try and cling to what little I remember. I’m glad to see the daughters and sons, nieces and nephews have picked up the torch and is carrying on most of the traditions.
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Good news!

Yay we got the place we will be moving soon!

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Been a long time

So it’s been a while since I have blogged anything, at least on this blog.

We are moving and a lot of things are changing. I’m looking more and more to the future of things personally, and professionally. I know we will end up losing some people in our life, it hurts to think about but honestly it’s time to be ourself and be able to be happy with us and our life. I’m ready for the future to start and being able to live in the house we are trying to rent. It’s fairly nice and it’s in a quite neighbor hood from what I can tell.

It has a big back yard and the people who own it have no issues with us painting and doing anything in the house I’m sure because we aren’t wanting to do anything major that would kill their house but small things because we do plan to live in this house 3-5 years till we can get the money saved up and visit a couple times then move and find us a place to own where we are planning to live as long as we like it after the visits to there.

I’m looking forward to all of this and it’s all on my mind as well as classes and school and wanting to be done with it all and have my career going finally and helping people with things.

I’m just so ready, I wish I had more time to do things, I want to take photos and be able to enjoy crafting. It’s just hard with all the time we have with work and school we have very little to do outside of that. My co-worker I will just say M doesn’t understand that when I say that I can take over these days because I don’t have classes does NOT mean I will take over her fucking shifts just so she can go fucking fishing. I’m sorry I have a fucking life too and that is why I work part time. This will be the first time I have actual time off, since I wont be going to winter classes, since I started college again. I should have just shut up and I might end up telling her yes I’m taking winter courses just to shut her down on when she is all about wanting me to take over for some of her work times. Like she only works the weekend, I don’t want to give up my weekends with chris because that is about all the time we get together.

I don’t know M just frustrates the living shit out of me. She is so beyond annoying. Like I don’t understand why she even fucking works most of the time she is trying to get out of it and she only works 3 days a week. Come on she works 3 days and its days all together so the other 4 is like one big break. I mean give me a break here. I work 3 days but I go to classes 2, then on top of that I have classes that I take online wanting me to come in and do tests and other shit like that. I have 2 days a week I can spend with chris and sometimes depending on how his schedule works out we might just have sundays.


I think that’s it I just needed to bitch a little.


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School and other things

So first week of my new classes down. I’m not as nervous I guess, but still it’s a lot to do plus work. I don’t know how I did it before. However I didn’t make grades like I do now. I actually try and study and do well. I was lazy last time I went to college I just thought hey high school all over again, no it’s not. It’s not the same. yes I did get my degree but honestly I don’t know how I did. This time I’m trying hard I want to make good grades I want to learn and be able to take this and do more with it than I did with my other degree. I worry I will fall on my face once out of college. I’m doing a lot this go around as well in the end I want to have my bachelors in physiology and working with that and still going for my masters. I want to be able to help people and enjoy it. I’m learning there is so much more than being a therapist when it comes to this degree. I’m excited and thinking more maybe I can do other things not just therapy.

We have been looking at moving still and it’s just more stress honestly. The house we were wanting to rent, the lady is I don’t know if she is ignoring us, or just flaking out. It’s annoying as all hell. Chris is finished with classes for his new job, and going on to working with a mentor for a couple weeks. He is so stressed out over it but I know he will do great with it all.

I don’t know where I was going here, I stepped away because of work stuff and now I’ve lost my train of thought it has been completely derailed.


yeah I don’t know I don’t have anything but work atm on my mind. Maybe I’ll post another blog later.