Beyond the Boggled Mind

Ramblings of my boggled mind

What do you miss about being a kid?

I’m working down a list of questions to help me get back in to blogging.

The first question is :  What do you miss about being a kid?

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What do I miss; I miss a lot about being a kid. Mind you I don’t remember a whole lot, after my siblings were born I normally helped with them. Both mom and dad worked and with the last kid mom was bed ridden before and a bit after he was born.

I think the main thing is not paying bills, like at the time we never think about it. ( I do love living on my own though). I miss being close with my family though as well, I miss my siblings, and parents. My little sister passed away in 09 and dad passed in 2016. My mom is doing her own thing yes we talk but I am almost always busy. I hardly ever talk to my bothers. One I don’t have any way to contact him, he don’t have a phone even. Yes in 2018 he does not have a cell phone. The other brother I talk here and there with him, but we are all busy with life. It sucks sometimes.

I miss hanging out and riding bikes with my friends and going to the city pool and just having fun. I miss a lot of fun times. But, I have fun times with the friends who have stuck by us, I rarely talk with family outside a few people. Sometimes I think they only talk to me is to find out info to go run their mouth to other family members sometimes. I shouldn’t look at it that way but it’s hard when I know how people are in my family and how much they like to gossip.

When I was younger all that wasn’t there because I either don’t remember it or I was too young and didn’t know what was going on. I learned as I got older. I sat and just watched and listened how they’d talk about other family members and now I sit and know my name is in their mouth just how I remember them talking about others.

I don’t know sometimes it’s just what it is you know?

I guess, I just miss the innocence of it all.

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Holidays, stress, sick, and a ring.

So it’s been kind of a busy few months, the last blog was about my new busy life, I’m still at it but it’s starting to slow down finally. Mainly because we have been sick, we haven’t been able to do much other than pushing forward in work and class. Lacking in quality time together, and actually being able to clean the house.

This week is my last day of classes till spring semester so I’m excited to be able to actually rest a bit, I will still be doing my job and the practicum till my hours are done, if I get a job out of it YAY if not, I’m learning at least.

I’ve finished all my shopping for Lilly and I’m not shopping for anyone else nope notta zilch. They are either too far away and wont get the gift till who knows when, or honestly they don’t deserve shit from us. Not like they ever appreciated it anyway.

So the 18th of November Lilly asked me to marry her, We went for a long weekend to a hotel, we enjoyed our time together, went to TRF, enjoyed a nice dinner and told our fave waitress we got engaged and things. Not sure if I mentioned this before. Things have been so busy it’s hard to know what all I talk about plus I have multiple blogs…

Right now I’m sitting here at work wondering if my speech is going to be good enough, I had to do a conspiracy theory and I chose JFK, boy was that the wrong one to do, there is like thousands of conspiracy theories that surround the event. Like none have evidence, none really make since, it’s all bullshit. I’m going over the just of what I can, then in the end explaining how most “evidence” is BS and then saying that I don’t believe in any of them and I stand that Oswald shot JFK the end.

It’s getting cold in here not sure if I’m starting to run a fever or what, but I’m off to get my jacket back on.

I love you Lilly

your future wife,

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Always Busy

So, Monday started my new busy life. So here is the run down:

Mondays- Wake up 4am, get ready, make lunch, feed cat (when I remember) sometimes make Lilly’s lunch as well – drive to work (45min)- work from 6am till 1pm, drop off money bags, get to my Practicum (2nd job) from 1pm till 9pm. 9pm leave work and drive (45min) home… eat a super late dinner, shower and go to bed.

Tuesday- wake up at 7, get ready, feed cat, make sure I have everything for classes. drive (45 min) to College, 9 am till 8-9pm in classes, working on home work and things between classes grabbing lunch and what ever else needs done that can be done. drive another 45 min home, dinner, shower, bed. oh and some point feed fish/check hermit crabs feed/water them etc…

Wednesday- wake up at 7, get things ready like normal, make lunch, feed cat, drive to 2nd job (practicum, yes I don’t get paid for this, it’s part of what I have to do to get my LCDC). work 9-6pm, or 10-7 depending on what is going on and what is better for me to learn my skills I will need. Drive back home, fix dinner, shower, spend some time with Lilly since we will actually have it and not just randomness that we don’t get to talk really but today we get to. Mind you yes we text quite often during the day.

Thursday- wake up at 4am get things ready like Monday, drive to work 6-1 there, drop off bags and such like Monday, 1-9 at my 2nd job. 9pm leave work and drive home, no time for shower, eat something, and go to bed.

Friday- wake up at 4am get things ready like normal, drive to work 6-1 there, money bags dropped off, 1-5 at my 2nd job. get to leave at 5pm and go home ( or shop or anything else I need to do that I can) normally the drive is longer since it’s a busy time and most people are getting off around the same time so 45-1.5 hour depending on situations. get home and cook dinner, normally we have to do fast food or something fast at home, or order something. I’m kind of looking forward to cooking today. chill with Lilly, shower and bed and snuggles.

So there is My week, fun right?

The weekend thankfully I have off both days, but I’m doing homework, house work, and just normal things its not quite an off day is it. But I’m looking forward to doing it.

I know Lilly is pretty busy with her full time job, and classes, and pole dance classes, and just everything as well. I hate that I have to ask her to do more around the house now, like taking the trash out or cook, maybe even have to start asking to help with more things as well. I haven’t touched the litter box this week. I will be cleaning it today though when I get off work.

I know this is a strange blog but just someday I will look back on it and I’ll want to remember things like this.

I’ve had a head ache since yesterday and I’m hoping it will go away I’ve took something but its not making a difference right now.

I’m going to blog tomorrow, at least I’m planning to I want to blog about what all I’ve done this week at my practicum, honestly not too much but I’m wanting to learn and do as much as I possibly can. It’s a bit annoying to sit and just watch right now but I know I have to learn right? and watching is learning. I’m more a hands on person but this will work for not I can’t wait to be more hands on and help where I am. I want to help people more I love experiencing it when someone is finally realizing how much they have lost and how much they have done to themselves for something so, so… I don’t know the right word for it. It’s not a small thing because it’s there and it has took over their life, made them lose everything including their freedom.

I think that is enough for now. I hope anyone who reads this might take something away from it, like you have to work hard and really strive for more in this life. And that my friends is just what we are doing. We want to be better and have a better quality of life.



Harvey 2017

I just want to put this out there, I joke and share memes as much as the next person, most people in texas and other areas who are being pumbled by these hurricans do it for mental relief.
The thing is these hurricans, this flooding, it’s not a joke its fucking terfying. Living through it even though we didn’t have much damage to us at all. I’m watching people I know and some I don’t that have lost so much, some have litterally lost fucking everything.
It’s basically days of being terrified by forces you have no control over,and that you don’t have any idea how bad it will get, and when it will stop. Harvey was my first hurrican, I have been in others but well away from the hit. I was away from the hit this time too but being flooded in where you can’t leave sucks. Not knowing if you are going to wake up to water in your house in the middle of the night. Not knowing if you will end up on your roof, only realizing you have no way ON to the roof. Knowing you are stuck but having hope you wont need saved like so many others.
I’ve been in blizzards where we are stuck in the house for days, but at least the snow and ice isn’t seeping in to your house, forcing you to move higher (if possible) I’m not saying it’s not dangerious but it’s not something where you loose everything you own in one fail swoop.
The death toll last I heard was AT LEAST 70! and who knows how many missing. I don’t even want to think how many animals wasn’t saved.
You have no idea how it is living through it and only watching the news or seeing articles days after. Knowing there are people who CANNOT leave! they don’t have the funds, or way to get out. Some refuse to leave, it is their choice, but that is not a reason to say “well they deserve what they get”.
So if you are in a place where you have no clue about how dangerious, and how mentally and physically draining it is, how truly terrifying it is. Shut the fuck up because you aren’t funny, your little shitty videos and memes you make in your safe little house/yard… you are just being a complete douch nozzel, and you should fuck off.
So, Harvey didn’t get us too bad. We lost electric, work time, and some food. Had to take out a loan to keep everything in order and keep our head above water (figuratively/financially). It was pretty terrifying not knowing what was going to happen or how bad it was going to get. went a little stir crazy having to stay cooped up in the house like we did. We couldn’t get out of our neighborhood really. Thankful for the gas station that was close that had ice and some food.
The worst is watching others loose everything, cars, house, everything in the house, some lives. 70 was the last total, I know there is more, just not found yet. I read an article on a women who found her dad, he had been missing and they found him several days later. I have no idea where or how. Hearing others stories are just heart breaking.
listening to people talk about how they wasn’t sure if they’d be saved, or if they was they’d have trouble because their parent or someone is in bad health and it would take a lot to get them in to a boat or automobile.
It’s been a bit, but no matter how long this will always be with me. Everyone’s story I’ve learned over this time will always be there, the feeling of the unknown, the terror you feel inside and know others are feeling it too but not showing it.
Just needed to get some things off my chest a bit. I’m getting annoyed with people who are in middle America and making fun of this situation that they have never been a part of.
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Keeping the circle small.

The picture I used is physical, but for most it is also mental as well. We all have circles and put people in to groups the same as our personal space.
So, in my life I have several circles so to speak, one is my personal circle honestly it’s only babe and I, because everything that is told to me I tell babe, and vise versa. We keep nothing and I mean nothing from each other, we have no reason to.
The next would be family/friends again very very small most on my facebook (not all) are in this circle.
Then I have school and associates who yes we talk and share in conversations. Sometimes the talks get personal but not too personal really.
The last circle is public most people don’t know anything about me. some new friends still fall in to this catagory and even some family and old friends fall in to this one. It happens.
So you wonder why I’ve cut you or others out of my life, here are 8 reasons why I do. I don’t have time or mind to deal with people like this. Honestly if I could cut out more I believe I would. But also I figure in time others will be cutting me out for who I really am and they don’t understand or have ever known. So onward to the 8 things…
1. Those who show-off There are some people who seem to have no other purpose in life then to make others jealous or envious of what they have achieved. It’s easy to spot, and is merely an indication of their lack of self-worth.
2. Those that are ignorant There are many different brands of unintelligent behaviour. There is the ever so harmless lack of brain-cell dumb that can’t really be fixed, and the willfully ignorant and self-absorbed kind of dumb. Some of us may have met someone who is famously incompetent because of their constant sense of self-pride and inability to make the right decisions, or learn from the consequences.
3. The parasites We have all been in bad circumstances at some point in our lives. In fact, most of us understand what it’s like to either be that friend who takes the hand-outs or the one who gives them. If this behaviour starts to be a normal pattern (they don’t have anything and they leave it up to you to provide) it is probably best to put a stop to it before a codependency issue is created.
4. The not-so active Nobody is immune to laziness. Those who sit around doing nothing make others also want to just sit around and do nothing. Not even those who are considered to be mentally strong are safe from becoming lazy. Spend enough time with a lazy person and you will start feeling a lack of motivation and the need to become immobile.
5. The “I” Specialists Those who say “I can do…” and ” I have so many… ” are unlikely to actually do these things or anything else for that matter. “Actions speak louder than words,” we are told. There are those who understand that and do what they say they will do, and there are those who are always talking about doing stuff.
6. Those who inaccurately refer to themselves as “depressed”, “OCD”, or other Mental issues, now I’m not talking about clinically depressed or ones who actually are OCD, or other real mental issues who actually need prescribed medication and seek help to better their life. We’re talking about the ones who behave as if they are depressed, for which there is no medication. The ones who are constantly making up reasons as to why their lives are so crap and that they are so very unlucky. We all make choices in our life that have consequences which we have the choice to either deal with or not. It is not recommended to hang around with those who cannot face up to their choices.
7. The ones who prefer not to go along for the ride If you’re a thrill-seeking adventurist type person, asking your couch-bound introvert friend to go sky-diving probably won’t return the best response. The people we choose to keep in our immediate circle of friends will direct our paths more than we realize.
8. Those who don’t dream Everyone has dreams, but what defines the way we live our lives is whether or not we act on those dreams and believe that they can change things for the better. Those who don’t dream will do their best to convince you that dreams are just silly, pointless dreams
I do have a 9 and 10 the 1-8 I found and agree with and noticed for the most part that is why I’ve been cutting people off.
9. The ones who won’t take responsibility for their actions, they blame others for their life, their choices, and things that happen to them from their choices.
For instance: You don’t have a licence, you don’t have insurance, you get pulled over and get in trouble. YOU cannot, I repeat YOU CANNOT FUCKING BLAME SOMEONE ELSE! YOU chose not to get your licence, you chose not to get insurance on your car, YOU got out and drove knowing all this, it’s not the police for doing their job, it’s not your friends/family/enemy. It is YOU, grow up.
10. Liers, I can’t deal with someone lieing to my face, or others, spreading lies and gossip when knowing nothing about the situation, not being the person/s in the situaton. I am too old for that shit. I’m too old for the drama and bullshit that follows this whole category.
I have more reasons but these seem to be the main ones why I cut people from my life. If you fit in any of these, you are toxic to me and either I’ve cut you out, or I have yet to.
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8 years

so 4 days ago marked 8 years that we lost my sister. I wish people understood no matter how long it might get easier for day to day, but when it hits the day she passed and her birthday it’s so much harder. Not only are you seeing you lost someone, but how much time has past. You realize how many more you have lost through that time as well. We lost daddy back in September. So the day was mainly thinking of Destinee, but also Daddy now. Trying to just tell myself it’s better neither are in pain now, and that they are together. Does that make me any less sad, no. Does that make me any less hurt, nope. So when you tell me it will get easier, No… no, it doesn’t. Not really. Not on the days it happens. Not on special days, no matter what I tell myself, no matter what you tell me, you think you are helping, you really aren’t.

This is not something you “get over”, When I lost my grandma’s it hurt, I was sad, but honestly It’s much easier because they where older, I expected it one day. I never expected my Sister to die at 17, I never thought my dad would never be able to walk me down the isle again. I never thought the last day I spent with dad would literally be the last day I’d have time with him. It sucks, I hate it, and nothing anyone says will help me.

I try and be there for others, I know the things I say are the same shit that others say to me, I know it’s all I know what to say, it’s being nice, its trying to help settle their mind. But really, it’s nothing more than making the person saying it feel better, the actual person it is happening to, no, I sigh and roll my eyes, my mind says so much, but my face I smile, and say yes, and thank you. It makes no difference the words that come from your mouth, hug and be there for them. When they want to keep busy because it’s easier for them that day, don’t say they are wrong for doing it. It’s how I cope with things.

I could be doing much worse than keeping myself busy on these days. I could do worse and I have done worse to cope sometimes. We all have and we all do, it’s human. This isn’t what I wanted to type out for this year for Destinee, I wanted to do something to remember her. Maybe a little later I will.


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Sinking ship

Today, I’m just down, depressed. I didn’t know why but just am. I realized what it is. I mourn the loss of possibility, of promise, of our pursuit of happiness. The POTUS is suppose to HELP the people, not make things harder on us. Not make us jump through red tape for simply wanting something to make us happy and our life a little easier. The POTUS is suppose to work for us, the government is suppose to work for us, to fear us, not us to fear them.
Absolutely devastating… This repeal of ACA is estimated to take away health insurance from 40 million people, 4 million of which are children. Harvard School of Public Health estimates 26,000 deaths this year… Do I need to worry for my love, or myself? No, We are lucky, We have put much thought in to the last couple years to get off of ACA for myself, and I’ve been off for a while now, We did research and planned, we talked and figured things out so I wouldn’t have to stay on ACA, I was only on it for one year, We are lucky, and we knew to plan. We plan everything honestly, at least everything that can be.
But what about, my family? My two brothers where one doesn’t have a job, and one I’m sure doesn’t have insurance, at least not yet through his job. What about my mother who just lost part of her insurance, what about my mother who has been prediagnosed illnesses that can stop her from getting insurance once ACA is gone (she’s not on it right now but it is an option for her) or if her other insurance is lost. What about all the other families out there?
You see, when I didn’t vote for the Orange Moron, I wasn’t thinking about myself in this, I was thinking about so many others. When I fight for rights, They don’t always come in line with my life, You see unlike most of the people I know and associate with, ACA is all they have, Their marriage, their bodies, their choices, their rights for these are slowly being took away. When I say I am a feminist it’s not because I am a women, it’s because I believe in all human rights, no matter gender, sex, color, race, sexual orientation, if you are poly or monogamous, you should have the rights of anyone else. You should be happy, you shouldn’t have to appease anyone else, and no one else should have any what so ever control over your choice for your life.
He is a greedy orange monster, and we are going to be in a very bad relationship for the next 4 years. Even after he fucks us over (already started) and he is out of office our money will still line his pockets. He never wanted this position, he wanted the name, he wanted to pull off the biggest con of his life and he did it, we will be paying him for the rest of our/his life to fuck us for the next 4 years, but even that the things he signs and puts in to order may fuck us for years after that. Our bodies, our water, our planet should be important to him, but it’s not. He’s in it for the money and fame. He’s in it for himself, even after breaking the constitution he’s still in house, I don’t see him getting impeached because our government has major flaws.
I don’t want to live here anymore, if I had the money I’d move so fast, I would have already been out of here. For the first time in my life, I see as the world see’s the USA and I’m completely embarrassed to be an American. It was humiliating that he even got to the point of a possibility of being president but him making it is a complete and utter embarrassment.
If you honestly don’t feel embarrassed that the rest of the world see’s all Americans as stupid, racist, and they honestly believe all American’s are like trump. Then you are part of the problem. You are willing to look away from facts and believe that he was good for our country, to literally fight and argue when facts are out there, they are being shown to you.
I’m sorry to say this but you deserve everything that is going to happen the next 4(+) years. What happens here is going to have an rippling effect. Unfortunately in to dirty, toxic water.
I can’t leave, I want to, believe me I do. Maybe not completely out of our nation, but out of this state, because there are a few decent states still out there (CA/NY) I know I want out of Texas, this I’ve always known to be a horrible state, but at least I’m close to Houston where they are more open, and more realistic for the most part.
I mourn for our nation, I mourn for our people, because no matter how much we disagree, no matter how much fighting, and protesting, and ugliness is out there, we are on the same boat here. The orange moron willing to be at the front of a ship and put holes in the rear is still going to take us all down.


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So lately I’ve not been blogging at least not on here. There has been so many changes lately I can’t remember what I last blogged about here, I had to take a min and look back to where I last left off. What all changes have been going on since then and so many I can put on here and yes a few I will not put on here.

So yes, My last post was about Losing my Daddy. We had a memorial service for him a couple weeks after he passed away. Things are weird I miss his voice. I have him and my sister’s ashes here at my home. Just kind of lost.

We decided this weekend we want to go to TRF (Texas ren fest) Not sure if we are going to go or not at this point because we are both sick, yesterday I even skipped out on my classes I was just feeling terrible and I’m not feeling as bad as I was but I still didn’t want to move from my bed and go to work, but here I am sitting at the work computer messing on my blog. It’s fairly slow right now I just hope people don’t give me crap and will get out of the park so I can go home and rest before I have to get up for the morning shift tomorrow.

We also got a bit of a surprise where my babe’s parents wanted to do something for his birthday, it’s weird because like the 4 years I’ve been here only once have we done anything with them for his birthday and that was us asking them to join us for food and show them that we had moved to our own apartment and things. They wasn’t that fond of it since we aren’t married. But they I’m guessing are fairly better about it now we have been living together like 3 years now.

Let’s see I’m not sure what else to say here. Just kind of touching base on this blog. I doubt if anyone even reads it anymore. Mainly for myself I guess and my love. well I guess that’s it.

Love you baby

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RIP Daddy 9/2/2016

It’s been a few days now, I just feel kind of lost but I can’t let myself drift away, I can’t loose myself. I need to help mom and my brothers, I need to keep myself in order and together best I can.

I lost my daddy the 2nd, he had a massive heart attack with diabetic complications. When mom told me, took a lot of calls to finally wake me because I never keep the cell sound on, and we don’t keep the house phone in the bed room. So I finally woke (not that I was sleeping well anyway it was a rough night since my love was away on a short business trip) called her back because honestly I had a couple calls from dad’s cell and several from her’s so I instantly thought one of my brothers got hurt. Mom told me “daddy died” and my mom says daddy when she refers to my grandfather( her step father) sometimes so that’s where my mind went first, then I realized wait my daddy? And yes that’s how I asked her so I could have my mind where it needs to be but I just I don’t know how are you suppose to react? I know I screamed but I don’t remember anything but saying no and not my daddy. I don’t know how my youngest brother reacted he was there with mom and dad when he passed. I was told the brother next to me sat on the side of the bed and was trying to “wake up” like it’s all a nightmare and he would wake up.

I know my love was only able to meet daddy once, and there is a lot of feelings going on mainly that it’s not fair. I feel the same way, daddy was only 60, he shouldn’t be gone. He was supposed to walk me down the isle with who I am with now. my love wanted to ask for my hand before he asks me. I still don’t know when this is going to happen but something that is there.

I don’t know right now I’m just lost and I can’t be. I need to be here and do things I must do. I know mom is lost as well, I know she cannot be, I know she has to make plans and try and get it out to everyone about dad passing. When mom said ” he said he would never leave me” and that she’s lost her soul mate and her crying just is a new level of heart break for me. I hate when mom crys I hate when she is hurting because I’m so use to seeing her being the strong one that handles everything and honestly people act like she does nothing when she is always there for everyone, when she is always the one to help with everyone in the family, then the “family” turn cheek to her.

There is so much more I want to say that right now I shouldn’t. So I think I’m going to end this blog for now.

To be Continued…


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Vacation is all I ever wanted…

Okay so it’s not but seemed like a good title, now that the song is stuck in my head. Anyway I’ve not mentioned it to many people unless you follow more than this blog of mine. But in December we are going on our first real vacation, we are going on a cruse. I’m so completely excited to have 7 days yes 7 days with my babe with no real worries just go and enjoy ourselves. This is the first time for me to go out of the US so that is pretty exciting for me as well. My babe has been out and even lived outside of the US.

So the cruse is from Galveston to 3 other ports ( I will blog about it later and esp when we get back) then back to Galveston. We have looked over things to do and picked out a few things we want to do more and have even thought about and talked about more cruses and things we want to do. I’ve been online shopping for some things that we need and some things we want. I’ve found clothing I want that is much more feminine than I normally wear but I’ve been slowly finding more things I like and being more open to clothing and color choices. I’m liking more and more colors lately.

I’m trying to make sure to remember certain things like yes bring a few ziplock bags so I can pick up a little sand to bring back because I want to make shadow boxes with photos and the sand in it and maybe some other things we pick up every where we are going. I want to be sure to get shot glasses for our collection because that’s something we have gotten on most of our adventures. Let’s see I think that is really it for now.

I love you baby


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