Beyond the Boggled Mind

Ramblings of my boggled mind

TRF, Vacation, and LASIK

It’s been a crazy kind of week. Last weekend we spent the weekend at a hotel and went to TRF it was nice but as I sit here now I regret going because we should have used that money on bills. We had a nice time. It was nice just relaxing and watching the people and things.

We couldn’t spend like we have in the past but hopefully things can get back in order and we can get our balance better, We are on our feet just not all in balance if that makes since. We took vacation time for the week and I’m taking two more of my days as well to be here for Lilly since she got Lasik done. It feels it took her longer to heal but she is doing better today. Tomorrow we will be going to the doctor and hopefully everything gets back to a normal status and us back to work.

Not that I want to go back to work. but anyway…

We haven’t done much for vacation than that, and it’s good cause really we didn’t have the money to. I did shopping for this week and got gas. I should be going back to work Wednesday as well as Lilly going back to work. I feel more tired ending our vacation than starting it. Nothing much more is going on.

Well cats are driving me a bit batty little shits are eating everything and when I say everything I mean one ate shoe strings from my shoe… yeah so new thing no shoes left in the living room because of that. She eats everything it’s driving me nuts.

Oh and while yes I am getting a rise, its not till December and not what I expected in amount.

So yeah I think that’s it…


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Blood is (not) thicker than water.

I’ve been asked a few times why I cut out blood relatives, and been told “blood is thicker than water”. When it’s the water that keeps me alive and my blood pumping, how is it ever something I should have to think about, I’m going to keep the “water” it keeps me going and the blood in MY vanes going.

The quote actually comes from: “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” This actually means that blood shed in battle bonds soldiers more strongly than simple genetics. Although we commonly use it to suggest the strength of family ties, it doesn’t refer to family at all.

I’ve cut so much of my family and old friends out of my life over the years and I know why, they might not but after years of being pretty much pushed in to being around them ( talking about once I was in my teen years) I got over their disrespectful attitudes to other family members (mainly my mother, father, and brothers/sister), my friends, myself, and just random people in general.

You should know that this stuff does not include my mom, dad or siblings. They might be wrong sometimes but they don’t disrespect me, if they cannot agree with things there are still love and respect between us.

Once I got older and realized how much of their “jokes” where about race, LGBT, and just shitty non-funny jokes. After my divorce family members where sympathetic to him, so I was the bad guy and he would “always be family to them” yup, I was over it, I’m not like most of my family. I was told so much of my life that “blood was thicker than water” I’ve learned this is just a ploy for others to try and control you and that isn’t even the fucking quote anyway.

For instance Like saying “gay” when you mean stupid, or a whole dictionary of other words that could have been used, or saying “the N” word Sorry I don’t like that at all from anyone, I hate even when I post a meme I like and it has it in it. I hate it so much because it’s wrong to say, even as a POC using it, you can “take back” that word all you want but to me it will ALWAYS be dirogitory because it really is. No matter how much you want it to be a word meaning “family” or “bro” it’s not, and Ill never be one to condone using it. Using “fag” is another one I don’t care if you are gay or not, it’s not a good word to be using or “taking back”, Unfortunately when I’m pissed off I say it but its because I know it is going to really bother the person I call it, just like “cunt” or “pussy” there are a lot of words I refuse to use unless I know it’s going to really hit the person hard. I’m trying to change and be a better person, some days are harder than others.

Back to what I was saying, I’ve heard this bull all my life, I get told to sit and spend time with family then they ignore me or degrade me, ask me about my fashion choices then tell me I’m wrong and just being a copy of others. I like black clothing, I like dark lipstick, the fuck is it any what so ever of your business? My sister likes her cloak, you shame and make fun of her for it, you make fun of my scarf that also can wear around my neck/head because its made for that. Why keep putting myself in to that?

Once older I was able to figure out what smoke a mirrors to use to make everyone ignore me for good, it was much more rare to get in any ones sights. Who knew once older I would also end up removing all smoke and mirrors and be able to be who I am who I have always been, and not care about others feelings on the matter. Who knew I would need to turn away, unfriend, move far from the family and environment I knew. But who knew this would make me better, make me happy, not just content but actually HAPPY.

I didn’t know happiness till I got away from everyone, moving to cali, having my ex gone, I lost weight I became happy I was a completely different person I was becoming me, and able to almost live my life, moving to Texas was another good thing for me, I don’t like the state or shitty politics down here but at least I’m with my love, I have a good job, I’ve had two really good jobs, I’m able to be myself for the most part to keep it to myself I don’t have to lie to anyone really. I don’t need all the smoke a mirrors, I’m with the person I want, and they want me, we want to get married, have a home, and life together till death, and even then I believe we will be together.

I have a big family, I went to a big high school, I had quite a few friends, and I grew up in a “normal” house hold and social setting. But here where I am, who I am, who we( my partner and I)  I’m happy. I’ve lost friends over the years, I don’t talk to many people HS or just old coworkers, or people really at all.

I talk to even less family members on either side of my family, I’ve deleted them from my social sites, I will probably be leaving more behind on this journey we are on. But it’s better  for us. we are making new friends, friends who have more in common and are open minded, some will turn in to our family, some I’m sure will walk away, as will we, The ones who support us, and love us for who we are. Not for the smoke a mirrors we have both had to live with all our lives.

There will be more blogs to go along with this…


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Unconditional Love

The dictionary defines it as ” Affection with no limits or conditions; Complete Love” a noun.

My question is, do you think it’s real? You see parents, family, lovers, husbands/wives, children, and friends. Who say they love you, and think that it is unconditional. But, once something comes along that they don’t agree with; they put a condition on to their love, they limit the love they feel for you.

The reasons behind it? You come out as Gay, lesbian, Bi, Transgender (LGBT), Pansexual, Asexual, Liberal/Right Wing, Feminist, Dominant/Submissive (BDSM) or so many other things, some more serious than others.

Either way love is being limited, conditions are being put on the love and relationships.

I read and see children being kicked out of their homes, parents turning their backs to them, divorce over someone finally coming out as Transgender, children turning their back to their parent for being Transgender after hiding it so long.

How can someone say they love someone unconditionally then give conditions to it?

What if your husband came out and said they have been living a lie for years, that they want to become a woman? Would you stand with them? Even if the marriage doesn’t work out, would you stand with them, support them as a friend?

You child comes to you telling you how they feel, they don’t feel they’re gender and sex doesn’t match. They don’t feel  female or male, or they feel like both? they are depressed and dysphoric and hate parts of their body? They don’t want to even shower or acknowledge this body they where born in to. When they tell you their name and hearing the wrong pronouns kills them a little bit more everyday?

What if your best friend told you that they are in to BDSM and no not because 50 shades of gray, but because it’s who they are and they have been hiding it for years?

I’m not talking about if someone is being cheated on, abused, or mistreated. In love both should be happy, took care of, and loved fully. Being cheated on, abused and such is not love, it’s control and power and shouldn’t be put up with.

Love should always make us better, to make us want to be a better person.

I love you, unconditionally I love you Lilly.


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Some things never change

This is an old writing; Just found it on an external drive I have. It’s at least 5 to 6 years old. Since it states that I’m 32 in it and I am now 37 will be 38 in February of this coming year.

Some things never change…

Like when we were kids playing games on a warm summer evening, the world is still comprised of two basic types of people– hiders and seekers. The hiders are generally happy right where they are, while the seekers are more likely to look for something new. In our hearts, most of us know which ones we are.

There is also a third type of person– The master, one who teaches, inspires, and shows the way for the rest of us in the game. a Master will never be found, unless they want to be.

Those of us on the student side of life– hiders and seekers alike– need teachers to smooth life’s bumps, or to help us laugh at ourselves when we get lost, turned around, and land on our asses. If you’re thinking that doesn’t apply, just wait you will land on your ass soon enough.

My name is Rachel, and I’m Thirty-two now. I’ve sat and thought about My life and the one’s in it, I’ve learnt many things from people and life. I’ve also learnt I teach as well as learn. I know I’m not a master yet perhaps in a few more life times.

One person I have learned from and she has from me, is my sister Destinee. I feel when she was born, she had a very old soul and every year of her life she touched many and taught also and has learned.

One thing I have learnt from her was no one has laughed harder or loved more but if you really think about it, want to learn something? what could be better than to learn how to laugh and love. That was her subject of choice.

Ancient Chinese philosophy says it is possible to look into one person’s eyes and see the entire universe. I’ve had the many opportunity to look in to her eyes and in to the thoughts that gave her eyes the bright shine that was always there, even at her lowest points, when she was sad or depressed the shine was always there it was her hope that shown through.

~Laugh and don’t give a damn whether the world laughs with you~


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Fishbowl exercise

So I found something interesting while at work it’s to help couples get to know one another. I thought it would be fun to answer them there are 100 questions I think I will do 5-10 each blog.

1. Describe/or act out your first kiss.
A- So every time I tell someone my first kiss they don’t see why I count it as my first kiss, but it is my first kiss because it wasn’t with family. It was suppose to be a bf/gf kind of kiss because the boy liked me and while yes I liked him I didn’t want the kiss. People say my first kiss was stolen but it wasn’t he was my first kiss and even later years we did date so it was part of our past our relationship and a part of my travels and adventures in life.
My first kiss was when I was about 6 or 7, he was a couple years older than me and just kissed me, I in turn punched him and bloodied his nose. Short and sweet huh?

2. What song gets you in the mood?
A- I don’t think I have just one song, I have many songs, a lot of them are dirty lyrics and just fun music one being ABC’s of kinky sex, something with a good beat and rhythm is nice. Romantic songs don’t really get me in the mood, most music don’t get me in the mood honestly so this to me is a very odd question.

3. What is your favorite romantic or sexy scene in a movie?
A- not sexy or really romantic, but when Simon and Kaylee was sitting together talking on the couch, just getting to know one another. It might not be much but it’s the one part of a movie I find romantic and nice (firefly/serenity).

4. What is the worst pick up line you’ve used or heard?
A- I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
— Yes it is horrible but kind of cute at the same time.

5. What is the most unusual thing someone has asked you to do in bed?
A- So I’m very open sexually so a lot of things aren’t that unusual to me I think if you enjoy it, its SS&C, and its between consenting adults go for it.
I guess someone wanting to go down on me while aunt flo was in, would fit here because that is defiantly not my thing.

6. What clothes do you feel sexiest in?
A- Fishnets no matter what else I am wearing fishnets would be it.

7. What is your idea of a perfect romantic evening?
A- going out to dinner then walking along the beach and enjoying the sunset and then the moon and stars before going home and cuddling up in bed with her.

8. If you weren’t in your current profession, what would you be?
A- Psychologist

9. Who was your first crush?
A- hum.. hell I don’t know… I guess JTT?

10. If you could have had a relationship-superpower, what would it be?
A- Being able make people understand one another when they have a disagreement. Not sure what that could be called lol.

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Note to My Senior Self

 A Simple Guide to Self-Preservation in my Senior Years.

We read blogs about people writing to their younger selves, I’ve done some myself. Sharing advice we wished we had known in their earlier years. Mainly in hopes that another younger person may read it and benefit from the advice we write. An attempt to somehow lessen the stress of a younger person may have in life as they move forward.


So, this got me thinking, based on my life experience to date. What advice would I deliver to myself in my senior years? If I had the change to have a conversation with my older self; what little nuggets would I feel it necessary to share.

Hopefully I will have this tucked away in a safe place waiting for the time to present me with my own words, and for me to listen to my own advice. Knowing myself like I do, I won’t be able to find it anywhere and I will forget to even look back at this blog, maybe I will set up a reminder for it someday to pop up in my calendar. Maybe my wife will print it out for my birthday or something when I’m older so I can read this.


April 17, 2018

To the weird crazy old Lady I know you always were,

If you are reading this, I am guessing you are in need of a little attitude adjustment, or you have possibly lost your way or goals. Consider this a friendly nudge from your younger self; to heed your own advice.  I have compiled a list of suggestions for you,  all of them coming from my own head & heart, learned through the difficult process of dealing with well life in general.

This is a gift to you, in hopes that you are of sound enough mind to receive them in the spirit they were written:

  1. Seek ways to put laughter in your day & maintain your sense of humor.

Sadly it seems when we get old, we feel we don’t have as much to laugh about.  We have most likely lost many of our friends, our family & possibly even our life partners.  Some days may feel unbearable, but I urge you to seek laughter.  Do not be the mean old lady in the neighborhood (even though you was kind of that already)!  Find someone to share a good belly laugh with, one that starts at your very core.  Laughter truly is the best medicine!

  1. Practice tolerance & try to stay young at heart.

I am guessing you are feeling like things have changed since you were a young girl. Rather than longing for the good old days, learn to adapt & go with the flow.  Talk to young people about the issues of the world today & listen to what their challenges are.   You are never too old to stop learning!  Be a sponge & soak up the news of today, while at the same time being able to share your wisdom based on your life experiences.  It’s a win-win for everyone!  

  1. Use your manners.

This seems like a no brainer but aging has a funny way of making you forget to use your manners. Please, Thank You & Excuse Me are as important now as they were when you taught your children to say them all those years ago.  Practice what you preached. It’s not okay to fart & not say excuse me.   Unless of course, you are in your own company.  In that case,  see #1.

  1.  Use your filter.

I am not talking about your coffee filter.  I am talking about your social filter.  Think before you speak.  Don’t just start rattling off about things before you give pause to how this information is being received.   It will save you & those around you, a ton of embarrassment.

  1. Continue to exercise.

I know it hurts.  Most likely, you are filled with aches & pains, keep moving!  If you can do nothing else but wave your arms in the air, do it with vigor! Remember the saying, “use it or lose it?”  It still applies!  Get up & move those old bones!

  1. You don’t know everything.

Just because you are old, it doesn’t mean you are right all of the time.  Quite honestly, you have always had difficulty with this one.  I would guess as you age, it will be even more challenging for you.  Stand down my friend.  There are smart people still living, you may meet the odd one now & again, so be prepared to “agree to disagree”- Just saying’.

  1. Be kind & generous in spirit.

These are qualities that have been of the utmost importance to you, all of your life. Extending kindness to people, offering them a safe place to fall if they need it.  Continue on this path, there is only good that come from it.

  1.  Look for something positive each & every day you are gifted.

Quite honestly, seniors complain a lot!  I suppose after so many years, they have lots to complain about, but this can be wearisome to those around you.  I beg you not to be this person.  Look for the positive, don’t be the cantankerous old gal in the group.  Be the gal people enjoy talking to. Continue to embrace every day as a precious gift, seek a wee bit of adventure in your day & put a smile on your face.  Regardless of what age you are, a smile is a beautiful thing.  It can change a person’s day.

  1.  Share your story.

You have had the benefit of living such a rich & full life.  Look through your photos.  You may not recognize all of the faces, but these photos will remind you of how much love & joy has surrounded you in your lifetime.  How lucky you were to experience such amazing adventures in so many incredible destinations, collecting stories from each and every place you visited.  Share these stories, for they are so much a part of who you are.

  1. Your wife/family will most likely have to make some difficult decisions on your behalf.

This is a hard one. Trust me when I tell you this will be harder on them than it is on you.  Never lose sight of how much they love you & respect them enough to hear their position.  It is most likely for your own safety & well-being.

11.Practice Safe Sex.

I’M KIDDING!  I just wanted to make sure you were still paying attention. If you are still getting’ some at your age, trust me, safety is the least of your concerns! Also, keep it kinky!  Sorry everyone, refer to#1!  

  1. Be grateful for the wonderful life you have been given. 

Be grateful for the fullness of your life, the experiences you have had & the people you have loved along the way.   If you are reading this, it means you have been one of the fortunate ones. 

  1. Be patient.

This seems to be a really tough one for you all your life, and I’m sure it’s more so now.  There is a sense of urgency to every little thing you do.  Please, please, please, do not be the prickly senior with a short fuse at the bank, or in the line at the grocery store.  Seriously, where is it you need to be?   Give people the time they need, for you probably have more time on your hands than they do!

  1.  You may need to lower your expectations.

High expectations are something you inherited from your family.  It is not necessarily a bad thing, for it has served you well in what you expect of yourself.   Unfortunately sometimes your expectations are hard to meet, you may need to lower them just a tad.  

  1. Don’t drink too much

Quite frankly, this has always been a fear for you.  Your family history has been one plagued with the wretched disease of alcoholism.  If your wife ever suggest you are drinking too much, stop!  I mean it.  Clean out the cupboards of anything alcohol related, get rid of it!  Period, full stop!

  1. Listen to Music

You have always loved music, all kinds of music.  For some reason when people get old, many stop listening to music.  They find it annoying.  Their car radios & their disc players are silent.  Perhaps they have forgotten how to turn them on?  It’s a mystery to me.  I hope you still listen to music.  It was & is, good for your soul!  

  1. Love your life to the bitter end.

None of us knows when life may end.  Savor every moment.  Find joy in your day.  Try something new, regardless of how scary it may seem.  Never give up on life before it is taken from you. 

  1. Be someone you would like to remember.  

Leave your mark in this world as someone who loved life to its full capacity in every regard.  In doing so, when you close your eyes for the very last time, you will have lived a good life, a full life, an enviable life.  One you were so blessed to have had, & hopefully one that left an imprint on the hearts of those who had the pleasure to know you.

So there you have it, I hope this advice has helped you in small way, offering you guidance in knowing the person you wanted to be.  


Your younger self

I open it up to you my friends.  If given the chance, what would you add or share with your older self?

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Blog Question #2

Next blog question on the list:

If someone gave you enough money to start a business – no strings attached – what kind of business would you want to start and why?

It’s really hard but honestly, I’d put it toward my future and buy a building to start a treatment center, higher a few other LCDC’s and have an outpatient center, with education classes like where I work.

This would be only the beginning and I feel it would be important and I’d probably move elsewhere with it, I’m not sure I would stay in this state simply because it has many places in this vicinity and I’d want to go where we/I am needed more.

I guess this is going to be a rather short blog. There is more than that I’d want to do of course sometimes, I want to just drop it all move with my girl in tow and we do crafts/Comicon stuff/computer repair/buildings and it just be us doing it all and go about our life without worries of having to deal with most of the public.

But I also could take the money and run and we become pirates buy a boat and two bikes and just go lol.

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What do you miss about being a kid?

I’m working down a list of questions to help me get back in to blogging.

The first question is :  What do you miss about being a kid?

See the source image

What do I miss; I miss a lot about being a kid. Mind you I don’t remember a whole lot, after my siblings were born I normally helped with them. Both mom and dad worked and with the last kid mom was bed ridden before and a bit after he was born.

I think the main thing is not paying bills, like at the time we never think about it. ( I do love living on my own though). I miss being close with my family though as well, I miss my siblings, and parents. My little sister passed away in 09 and dad passed in 2016. My mom is doing her own thing yes we talk but I am almost always busy. I hardly ever talk to my bothers. One I don’t have any way to contact him, he don’t have a phone even. Yes in 2018 he does not have a cell phone. The other brother I talk here and there with him, but we are all busy with life. It sucks sometimes.

I miss hanging out and riding bikes with my friends and going to the city pool and just having fun. I miss a lot of fun times. But, I have fun times with the friends who have stuck by us, I rarely talk with family outside a few people. Sometimes I think they only talk to me is to find out info to go run their mouth to other family members sometimes. I shouldn’t look at it that way but it’s hard when I know how people are in my family and how much they like to gossip.

When I was younger all that wasn’t there because I either don’t remember it or I was too young and didn’t know what was going on. I learned as I got older. I sat and just watched and listened how they’d talk about other family members and now I sit and know my name is in their mouth just how I remember them talking about others.

I don’t know sometimes it’s just what it is you know?

I guess, I just miss the innocence of it all.

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Holidays, stress, sick, and a ring.

So it’s been kind of a busy few months, the last blog was about my new busy life, I’m still at it but it’s starting to slow down finally. Mainly because we have been sick, we haven’t been able to do much other than pushing forward in work and class. Lacking in quality time together, and actually being able to clean the house.

This week is my last day of classes till spring semester so I’m excited to be able to actually rest a bit, I will still be doing my job and the practicum till my hours are done, if I get a job out of it YAY if not, I’m learning at least.

I’ve finished all my shopping for Lilly and I’m not shopping for anyone else nope notta zilch. They are either too far away and wont get the gift till who knows when, or honestly they don’t deserve shit from us. Not like they ever appreciated it anyway.

So the 18th of November Lilly asked me to marry her, We went for a long weekend to a hotel, we enjoyed our time together, went to TRF, enjoyed a nice dinner and told our fave waitress we got engaged and things. Not sure if I mentioned this before. Things have been so busy it’s hard to know what all I talk about plus I have multiple blogs…

Right now I’m sitting here at work wondering if my speech is going to be good enough, I had to do a conspiracy theory and I chose JFK, boy was that the wrong one to do, there is like thousands of conspiracy theories that surround the event. Like none have evidence, none really make since, it’s all bullshit. I’m going over the just of what I can, then in the end explaining how most “evidence” is BS and then saying that I don’t believe in any of them and I stand that Oswald shot JFK the end.

It’s getting cold in here not sure if I’m starting to run a fever or what, but I’m off to get my jacket back on.

I love you Lilly

your future wife,

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Always Busy

So, Monday started my new busy life. So here is the run down:

Mondays- Wake up 4am, get ready, make lunch, feed cat (when I remember) sometimes make Lilly’s lunch as well – drive to work (45min)- work from 6am till 1pm, drop off money bags, get to my Practicum (2nd job) from 1pm till 9pm. 9pm leave work and drive (45min) home… eat a super late dinner, shower and go to bed.

Tuesday- wake up at 7, get ready, feed cat, make sure I have everything for classes. drive (45 min) to College, 9 am till 8-9pm in classes, working on home work and things between classes grabbing lunch and what ever else needs done that can be done. drive another 45 min home, dinner, shower, bed. oh and some point feed fish/check hermit crabs feed/water them etc…

Wednesday- wake up at 7, get things ready like normal, make lunch, feed cat, drive to 2nd job (practicum, yes I don’t get paid for this, it’s part of what I have to do to get my LCDC). work 9-6pm, or 10-7 depending on what is going on and what is better for me to learn my skills I will need. Drive back home, fix dinner, shower, spend some time with Lilly since we will actually have it and not just randomness that we don’t get to talk really but today we get to. Mind you yes we text quite often during the day.

Thursday- wake up at 4am get things ready like Monday, drive to work 6-1 there, drop off bags and such like Monday, 1-9 at my 2nd job. 9pm leave work and drive home, no time for shower, eat something, and go to bed.

Friday- wake up at 4am get things ready like normal, drive to work 6-1 there, money bags dropped off, 1-5 at my 2nd job. get to leave at 5pm and go home ( or shop or anything else I need to do that I can) normally the drive is longer since it’s a busy time and most people are getting off around the same time so 45-1.5 hour depending on situations. get home and cook dinner, normally we have to do fast food or something fast at home, or order something. I’m kind of looking forward to cooking today. chill with Lilly, shower and bed and snuggles.

So there is My week, fun right?

The weekend thankfully I have off both days, but I’m doing homework, house work, and just normal things its not quite an off day is it. But I’m looking forward to doing it.

I know Lilly is pretty busy with her full time job, and classes, and pole dance classes, and just everything as well. I hate that I have to ask her to do more around the house now, like taking the trash out or cook, maybe even have to start asking to help with more things as well. I haven’t touched the litter box this week. I will be cleaning it today though when I get off work.

I know this is a strange blog but just someday I will look back on it and I’ll want to remember things like this.

I’ve had a head ache since yesterday and I’m hoping it will go away I’ve took something but its not making a difference right now.

I’m going to blog tomorrow, at least I’m planning to I want to blog about what all I’ve done this week at my practicum, honestly not too much but I’m wanting to learn and do as much as I possibly can. It’s a bit annoying to sit and just watch right now but I know I have to learn right? and watching is learning. I’m more a hands on person but this will work for not I can’t wait to be more hands on and help where I am. I want to help people more I love experiencing it when someone is finally realizing how much they have lost and how much they have done to themselves for something so, so… I don’t know the right word for it. It’s not a small thing because it’s there and it has took over their life, made them lose everything including their freedom.

I think that is enough for now. I hope anyone who reads this might take something away from it, like you have to work hard and really strive for more in this life. And that my friends is just what we are doing. We want to be better and have a better quality of life.