So lately I’ve not been blogging at least not on here. There has been so many changes lately I can’t remember what I last blogged about here, I had to take a min and look back to where I last left off. What all changes have been going on since then and so many I can put on here and yes a few I will not put on here.
So yes, My last post was about Losing my Daddy. We had a memorial service for him a couple weeks after he passed away. Things are weird I miss his voice. I have him and my sister’s ashes here at my home. Just kind of lost.
We decided this weekend we want to go to TRF (Texas ren fest) Not sure if we are going to go or not at this point because we are both sick, yesterday I even skipped out on my classes I was just feeling terrible and I’m not feeling as bad as I was but I still didn’t want to move from my bed and go to work, but here I am sitting at the work computer messing on my blog. It’s fairly slow right now I just hope people don’t give me crap and will get out of the park so I can go home and rest before I have to get up for the morning shift tomorrow.
We also got a bit of a surprise where my babe’s parents wanted to do something for his birthday, it’s weird because like the 4 years I’ve been here only once have we done anything with them for his birthday and that was us asking them to join us for food and show them that we had moved to our own apartment and things. They wasn’t that fond of it since we aren’t married. But they I’m guessing are fairly better about it now we have been living together like 3 years now.
Let’s see I’m not sure what else to say here. Just kind of touching base on this blog. I doubt if anyone even reads it anymore. Mainly for myself I guess and my love. well I guess that’s it.
Love you baby
It’s been a few days now, I just feel kind of lost but I can’t let myself drift away, I can’t loose myself. I need to help mom and my brothers, I need to keep myself in order and together best I can.
I lost my daddy the 2nd, he had a massive heart attack with diabetic complications. When mom told me, took a lot of calls to finally wake me because I never keep the cell sound on, and we don’t keep the house phone in the bed room. So I finally woke (not that I was sleeping well anyway it was a rough night since my love was away on a short business trip) called her back because honestly I had a couple calls from dad’s cell and several from her’s so I instantly thought one of my brothers got hurt. Mom told me “daddy died” and my mom says daddy when she refers to my grandfather( her step father) sometimes so that’s where my mind went first, then I realized wait my daddy? And yes that’s how I asked her so I could have my mind where it needs to be but I just I don’t know how are you suppose to react? I know I screamed but I don’t remember anything but saying no and not my daddy. I don’t know how my youngest brother reacted he was there with mom and dad when he passed. I was told the brother next to me sat on the side of the bed and was trying to “wake up” like it’s all a nightmare and he would wake up.
I know my love was only able to meet daddy once, and there is a lot of feelings going on mainly that it’s not fair. I feel the same way, daddy was only 60, he shouldn’t be gone. He was supposed to walk me down the isle with who I am with now. my love wanted to ask for my hand before he asks me. I still don’t know when this is going to happen but something that is there.
I don’t know right now I’m just lost and I can’t be. I need to be here and do things I must do. I know mom is lost as well, I know she cannot be, I know she has to make plans and try and get it out to everyone about dad passing. When mom said ” he said he would never leave me” and that she’s lost her soul mate and her crying just is a new level of heart break for me. I hate when mom crys I hate when she is hurting because I’m so use to seeing her being the strong one that handles everything and honestly people act like she does nothing when she is always there for everyone, when she is always the one to help with everyone in the family, then the “family” turn cheek to her.
There is so much more I want to say that right now I shouldn’t. So I think I’m going to end this blog for now.
To be Continued…
Okay so it’s not but seemed like a good title, now that the song is stuck in my head. Anyway I’ve not mentioned it to many people unless you follow more than this blog of mine. But in December we are going on our first real vacation, we are going on a cruse. I’m so completely excited to have 7 days yes 7 days with my babe with no real worries just go and enjoy ourselves. This is the first time for me to go out of the US so that is pretty exciting for me as well. My babe has been out and even lived outside of the US.
So the cruse is from Galveston to 3 other ports ( I will blog about it later and esp when we get back) then back to Galveston. We have looked over things to do and picked out a few things we want to do more and have even thought about and talked about more cruses and things we want to do. I’ve been online shopping for some things that we need and some things we want. I’ve found clothing I want that is much more feminine than I normally wear but I’ve been slowly finding more things I like and being more open to clothing and color choices. I’m liking more and more colors lately.
I’m trying to make sure to remember certain things like yes bring a few ziplock bags so I can pick up a little sand to bring back because I want to make shadow boxes with photos and the sand in it and maybe some other things we pick up every where we are going. I want to be sure to get shot glasses for our collection because that’s something we have gotten on most of our adventures. Let’s see I think that is really it for now.
I love you baby
My dear you think you are an adult, you feel like it anyway.
You have helped for years with your siblings and with the house while mom and dad worked most of your life. You are at a weird age where you feel like nothing is impossible no matter how much your depression gets to you, you try. You are looking at colleges and ready to leave your parents house thinking about where you are going to move because your feet are itching for so much new grounds to walk.
A lot will change in the next 2 years before you graduate and move out. Spend time with your sister for the love of all that is holy spend time with her, take TONS of photos. Spend more time with your brothers, your mom, your dad, go see your great grandmother, see both of your grandmothers as much as possible and stop rolling your eyes at people who are older who are trying to teach you lessons of life. You do not know everything!
You are going to date several people who are going to drive you wild that you can’t get enough of. I’m telling you now, find the geek the nerd the one who knows who you are inside that you hide from everyone. Be yourself no matter how hard it is because when you get older you are still going to be hiding so much of yourself over fear.
You are going to date and meet people who are going to tear you down, hurt you constantly, walk away and don’t let them stop you. It’s a waste of your time to keep going back to the same hurt the same stale pond with no moving water or life. It’s and endless cycle you won’t realize till it’s too late.
You are going to meet someone who will be able to stand with in your heart and feel all the flames and bask in the glow of it. You are going to ignore all your feelings and walk away to “save” yourself, when in reality they will be the perfect person for you. They will be your best friend for years and years before finally realizing this is your soul mate.
You are going to waste a lot of time and finally find what your purpose is on this earth. People are going to try and stop you, diminish you’re light. Keep going… Keep going…
you’ve gotten through many years you are in your late 20s- early 30s and giving up, life has kicked you over and over again and you are giving up on dreams… but you will make it you can keep going… you have all the reasons to be depressed, you have reasons not to feel well but I know you got this, you will have someone very soon that will heal your wounds and take care of you and you will care for them in ways they and yourself never thought you could. keep going… keep going…
Things are going slow, things are changing around you some for the better some for worse, you are happy … keep going… keep going…
Dear future me,
See isn’t it worth it? Things changed things are better, wasted time sucked but you are exactly where you are suppose to be. You are happy, you can do this, you can handle anything, look at all you have made it through. Keep going!
Okay so I’m a little late but better late than never right?
Yay we got the place we will be moving soon!
So it’s been a while since I have blogged anything, at least on this blog.
We are moving and a lot of things are changing. I’m looking more and more to the future of things personally, and professionally. I know we will end up losing some people in our life, it hurts to think about but honestly it’s time to be ourself and be able to be happy with us and our life. I’m ready for the future to start and being able to live in the house we are trying to rent. It’s fairly nice and it’s in a quite neighbor hood from what I can tell.
It has a big back yard and the people who own it have no issues with us painting and doing anything in the house I’m sure because we aren’t wanting to do anything major that would kill their house but small things because we do plan to live in this house 3-5 years till we can get the money saved up and visit a couple times then move and find us a place to own where we are planning to live as long as we like it after the visits to there.
I’m looking forward to all of this and it’s all on my mind as well as classes and school and wanting to be done with it all and have my career going finally and helping people with things.
I’m just so ready, I wish I had more time to do things, I want to take photos and be able to enjoy crafting. It’s just hard with all the time we have with work and school we have very little to do outside of that. My co-worker I will just say M doesn’t understand that when I say that I can take over these days because I don’t have classes does NOT mean I will take over her fucking shifts just so she can go fucking fishing. I’m sorry I have a fucking life too and that is why I work part time. This will be the first time I have actual time off, since I wont be going to winter classes, since I started college again. I should have just shut up and I might end up telling her yes I’m taking winter courses just to shut her down on when she is all about wanting me to take over for some of her work times. Like she only works the weekend, I don’t want to give up my weekends with chris because that is about all the time we get together.
I don’t know M just frustrates the living shit out of me. She is so beyond annoying. Like I don’t understand why she even fucking works most of the time she is trying to get out of it and she only works 3 days a week. Come on she works 3 days and its days all together so the other 4 is like one big break. I mean give me a break here. I work 3 days but I go to classes 2, then on top of that I have classes that I take online wanting me to come in and do tests and other shit like that. I have 2 days a week I can spend with chris and sometimes depending on how his schedule works out we might just have sundays.
I think that’s it I just needed to bitch a little.
So first week of my new classes down. I’m not as nervous I guess, but still it’s a lot to do plus work. I don’t know how I did it before. However I didn’t make grades like I do now. I actually try and study and do well. I was lazy last time I went to college I just thought hey high school all over again, no it’s not. It’s not the same. yes I did get my degree but honestly I don’t know how I did. This time I’m trying hard I want to make good grades I want to learn and be able to take this and do more with it than I did with my other degree. I worry I will fall on my face once out of college. I’m doing a lot this go around as well in the end I want to have my bachelors in physiology and working with that and still going for my masters. I want to be able to help people and enjoy it. I’m learning there is so much more than being a therapist when it comes to this degree. I’m excited and thinking more maybe I can do other things not just therapy.
We have been looking at moving still and it’s just more stress honestly. The house we were wanting to rent, the lady is I don’t know if she is ignoring us, or just flaking out. It’s annoying as all hell. Chris is finished with classes for his new job, and going on to working with a mentor for a couple weeks. He is so stressed out over it but I know he will do great with it all.
I don’t know where I was going here, I stepped away because of work stuff and now I’ve lost my train of thought it has been completely derailed.
yeah I don’t know I don’t have anything but work atm on my mind. Maybe I’ll post another blog later.
I have a lot on my mind today well more than today just seems today the thoughts are more so. Most I can’t really talk about here, even if no one really reads this blog. Mostly my mind is on the future. We talk about moving and I get excited about moving, but its not about this move coming up. Yes I am excited to move in to a house and out of this apartment and away from the people here in office and out. But we talk about moving to Alaska and we have been for about a year now. We are not just going to run and go we have too much that keeps us here right now. Mainly school our classes we need to graduate and get in to better jobs that can move with us. Now Mind you Chris got a new job and it will do very well by him and possible to move in to a job there in Alaska but right now this is a 5 year plan. after graduating and getting our butts in to careers and some experience under our belts then go there in hopes for nice careers there, maybe even open up our own business. I’ve decided to go farther than what I had originally planned. I want to be a therapist, not a physical one but mental one. I want to help people and families mainly when it comes to transgender people and families who have problems and need someone to talk to and understand things. Yes I want to help more than that but this is a big issue to me.
My current class I am making a B and will pass the class this makes me happy. I have one more paper to get back I should get it tomorrow then I have one more paper to write. I hope I am doing better I hope this paper he is grading is something that is blowing him away. I don’t know and I’m not sure still what paper I want to rewrite yet. It’s hard because two are really important to me the others I know I wont be doing.
I hope the house we have our minds set on will come threw for us. We can save so much money and it will give us room. So much more room than we have right now. I have to look in to getting totes for the move. I think in the long run totes will be better for us and we could maybe start making things that we have thought bout doing, esp splay and outfits.
I feel bad about things a little though Chris supports me in everything, buys me an expensive camera, a sewing machine and here I am not using either really as much as I want to. I feel like I am wasting our money on things, things I want to do things and make money with. I want to look in to making candles and bath bombs and things like that. I get excited about doing this stuff then look at the things I have and think what if I don’t get to make money from it or what if this or that happens. Maybe even make jewelry and other things and etching things. I want us to do this together just I have doubts about it as well.
I want us to get more things to excessive with but I barely use what we have, and Chris don’t use it as much either. I think mainly because we don’t have the room really. We will see. I just needed to kind of get some things out of my head.
Well off to pay attention to the movie that Chris started. *sighs* so much more thoughts.
I love you baby doll