It’s been a few days now, I just feel kind of lost but I can’t let myself drift away, I can’t loose myself. I need to help mom and my brothers, I need to keep myself in order and together best I can.
I lost my daddy the 2nd, he had a massive heart attack with diabetic complications. When mom told me, took a lot of calls to finally wake me because I never keep the cell sound on, and we don’t keep the house phone in the bed room. So I finally woke (not that I was sleeping well anyway it was a rough night since my love was away on a short business trip) called her back because honestly I had a couple calls from dad’s cell and several from her’s so I instantly thought one of my brothers got hurt. Mom told me “daddy died” and my mom says daddy when she refers to my grandfather( her step father) sometimes so that’s where my mind went first, then I realized wait my daddy? And yes that’s how I asked her so I could have my mind where it needs to be but I just I don’t know how are you suppose to react? I know I screamed but I don’t remember anything but saying no and not my daddy. I don’t know how my youngest brother reacted he was there with mom and dad when he passed. I was told the brother next to me sat on the side of the bed and was trying to “wake up” like it’s all a nightmare and he would wake up.
I know my love was only able to meet daddy once, and there is a lot of feelings going on mainly that it’s not fair. I feel the same way, daddy was only 60, he shouldn’t be gone. He was supposed to walk me down the isle with who I am with now. my love wanted to ask for my hand before he asks me. I still don’t know when this is going to happen but something that is there.
I don’t know right now I’m just lost and I can’t be. I need to be here and do things I must do. I know mom is lost as well, I know she cannot be, I know she has to make plans and try and get it out to everyone about dad passing. When mom said ” he said he would never leave me” and that she’s lost her soul mate and her crying just is a new level of heart break for me. I hate when mom crys I hate when she is hurting because I’m so use to seeing her being the strong one that handles everything and honestly people act like she does nothing when she is always there for everyone, when she is always the one to help with everyone in the family, then the “family” turn cheek to her.
There is so much more I want to say that right now I shouldn’t. So I think I’m going to end this blog for now.
To be Continued…